When the line blurs.

Should I have known? He cheated. Apparently he was selfish enough to tell me too. It was enough that he broke my heart, but it was so deep inside him and bothered him so much he had to tell me to get it off his chest. He could have just let me heal and known what he had done ruined us.

Thursday was such a rough day. This is when he told me everything. I didn't even know what to say. I was completely traumatized. I actually said, "it's ok." I even thanked him for telling me. BULLSHIT. HORSESHIT. There is no thank you from me - honestly, he should have let that ruin him to the core. He also thinks he has nothing to prove to me and that I just should just know he loves me. Really? How is that. Your actions speak that you don't give a damn about me or my feelings. I explained to you how important commitment was and how black and white cheating is and you just threw it all away.

You decided I was not worth enough to preserve. 

You decided tasting another girl was worth more than everything I stood for.

And now you want to tell me you love me. Oh how delusional you are.

You are a selfish sun of a bitch who wouldn't know love if it bit you in the ass.

You miss me. You are damn right you do.

You took me for granite.

But not just me, my love, my presence, my support, my existence in your life.

I would ask how you could do such a thing, but clearly your actions speak to who you are as a person.

Lies flow through your teeth as smooth as compliments. 

As you lay awake at night - it's your actions that will haunt you.

If you try to convince yourself what you did was ok - good luck.

You'll never find peace with what you have done.

My heart is broken over a dream I thought was coming true before my eyes. I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. It is hard to find peace but I am just glad that I will be able to. 

Alone.

It certainly doesn't help that I am sick today. I would absolutely to have someone take care of me and put their fingers through my hair. Unfortunately, I made my theraflu by myself and here I sit all alone. I have so much pain but I have to remember the present and where we were at when we ended. So tonight I went through my Facebook photos and removed all of the ones we were together in. It sounds so trivial - but it was difficult. Of course as you look at the past all you see is happiness and joy. It is so hard but I guess this is how we move on. It is so difficult when all I want is to still be loved. Still belong to someone. To be wanted. To be cared for. To be truly loved.

I did hear a quote today that I liked so I wanted to share it with whoever may read this:

"No matter how angry you are you should never throw away a gift given out of love."

Making Sense...

The end of my post, Nothing Can Comfort a Broken Heart, there was a list of constructive ways to release emotions. I am unsure if this has helped anyone, or quite honestly if anyone has ever actually read this.  In an attempt to stay as busy as possible, it is difficult continuing to write everything down that I want to. If you are reading this, please feel free at any time to give me feedback. I am about to lay everything out on the line, for better or worse what I can I do than be honest.

Wednesday night was so difficult. I cried so much and felt I couldn't stop. I happened to meet someone (we'll call him B1) about 3 weeks who is from a town I used to live in and conveniently enough ended up talking/texting with them. On Thursday night he invited me out to a bar I used to frequent with my ex...(I hate typing/saying the word "ex" so I will refer to him as EBF/exboyfriend). I decided after work the first appearance there would be the hardest and well, shit, why not go. So I did. After having a stiff drink and I started to loosen up B1 and his roommate were a lot of fun. After 3 drinks, I realized I would not be able to make it home. Of course you cannot help but feel guilty because I have extremely black and white feelings about cheating - but truth was EBF broke up with me. He broke my heart. I no longer have a loyalty to him. I really was tired of crying and the familiarity of B1 was comforting. It also helped he was just dumped so I felt like there was common ground. So long story short I decided to go back home with him. I REFUSE to sleep with one after one night or have a one night stand, but we hung out and joked around and I genuinely felt OK. It was nice. Then when bed time came... I did kiss him. It was never the plan all along but something about him (and probably not wanting to feel sad anymore) let me do it. I enjoyed it intensely. We absolutely did not lose articles of clothing... but it was still so nice to have my mind some where else.

I have the issue of being an over thinker though. I also really like having someone you can call and hang out with. Someone you can go out with whenever and call it good. I felt like because we have similar backgrounds, thing "make sense." It was one of those ah-ha moments. ...except based on the current situation, there is no ah-ha about it. In the morning we woke up and it was totally not awkward and I was still feeling OK. When we walked down to find my car it had been towed...WTF. I am so not joking. So he had to take the bus to campus, which I felt bad about, but really my car was towed. How bad could I really feel?

So that morning we text and maybe 6-7 messages in he just stopped responding. We were supposed to go out Friday night with someone else we both knew, and so about 6:45 Friday night I text him again, and said, "Hey, you still wanna go out tonight." Nothing... nothing ever since. AH! No joke - I want to be the person that says NO. I want to be the person that doesn't respond. But most of all... I just want my thoughts to coincide with the future sometimes, haha. I have to stop setting expectations. But how? This super annoys me.

So how do I make sense of this now. Then I realized, there is no making sense. I am sure the majority of the world knows this. But slowly I will realize. People are going to do what they are going to do. I can only control myself. Not going to lie this sucks. So what if I want to rebound? Well I have to remember going into it, even though we have ties to the hometown - it does not mean our feelings coincide at all. For all I know he go together with his ex-gf. Whatever. The next place I enter is whether or not the bartender with tell my EBF I was there with another guy... and quite frankly I hope somehow he finds out. I want him to text me and tell me how could I? What was I thinking? Or some other bullshit thing. Because all I want to say to him is -

"THIS WAS YOUR DECISION! YOU BROKE MY HEART! I was 100% faithful to you and wanted to be with you and only you. Since you broke my heart you have NO CLAIM TO ME. NO RIGHT TO JUDGE ME. NO RIGHT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT ME."

Ugh...so as far as being constructive goes... today was day 2 of running. I ran yesterday. I have a ton of steps to go down... which makes it more challenging, but hey. When I cramped up I also pretended I was purging EBF. Funny story... I didn't cramp today. I ran a couple miles too. By knows mean I am totally in shape, especially since my lung surgery. I have decided to make running my boyfriend though. I want to look forward to it and commit to it. I am unsure if this is actually healthy or not yet, but at least I am doing something. Also a little fun fact, you cannot run and cry at the same time.

I am going to end this post with the song I am currently obsessed with. It is gives me positive energy, maybe it will for you too. 

Heart Break Phase 1

The tears won't stop pouring down my face
This wave of emotion keeps crashing against my soul
The pain of heartbreak is worse than any physical damage
The feelings of every feeling are exhausting and draining

I'm so sad about what I thought we had
About what I feel like we have lost
I'm sad when I remember the good
Because I feel like I've been lied to and I believed it.

I'm so angry you are doing this to me.
How long have you not wanted to be with?
How could you hurt me so badly
How can you appear this doesn't affect you at all?

I'm so scared its all my fault
I feel like I could or should have done something
I am scared not to have you
Not to depend on you
Not to support you
Not to have your support
I'm so scared to go sleep
If I dream about you
My heart will break all over again in the morning

I'm scared you're finding someone else right now
I'm scared you never did love me

The only thing I want right now is you
Is your arms to wrap around me
You to make me feel like I'm ok without a word
Comfort in your presence and love in your touch

All I want is the one thing that's making me feel this way.
I'm not even sure if I want to not hurt...
Because if I don't hurt anymore
I won't have any attachment to you.

Nothing Can Comfort A Broken Heart

No matter what anyone says or does, it will not unbreak your heart. The cold reality is the pain you feel as your heart shatters into pieces hurts your soul. No matter how you play the scene of your break-up it doesn't change the now, which HURTS. Yes one day it won't feel this poorly, but unlike everyone else I will not lie to you, NOTHING will make you feel better while your heart is broken.

This was the one picture I felt depicted how I feel.

If you have ever had a broken heart you know the worst part is the flashbacks. In a split second you are back in a memory that warms your heart and then rebreaks it. The emotional moment is nearly as bad as the realization your partner doesn't really love you. I was sitting at work today when my phone buzzed for a text message when I realized how much I looked forward to getting a text him. It is the simple, little moments you realize filled your life and your heart. That's the problem, your heart becomes so filled that when its shattered you are just breaking the mold - you are literally bleeding love. (I did not intend to reference the song here, haha - guess it's true.)

I won't lie - this blog might just be a way for me to vent for a while. I am sorry if it depresses you, I just don't know any other way to get out what I am feeling. My natural route is to try and push all feelings as far away as I can. As I am learning in counseling this is one of the most unhealthy ways to deal with emotions.

I just want to cry. I don't know what else to do. The pain I feel is so raw and immediate. It comes to me in waves. Sometimes I have a memory in mind that makes me sad, and then other times my tears just well up and I want to disappear into a cave of the past. I want to be in his warm, defined arms. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to feel loved and cared about. I want to not be in this situation. Unfortunately, all of these wants are perpetuated disappointment. I was told today not to beat myself up because the only way I am going to really get through this is to feel. I don't want to feel. That's the truth.

No one wants their heart broken, this we can agree on. However, how do you mend a broken heart? To be honest I am not entirely sure, but I am going to document it every step of the way, so if you are looking to heal your heart please follow and comment, sometimes it's nice to know you aren't alone.


Today's First Step:
Make a list of healthy coping alternatives:

• Watching a movie
• Going for a run
• Writing in my journal
• Cleaning...but not too much, haha
• Organizing and planning for my non-profit
• Playing with my cat
• Reading? ...not love stories
• coming up with new hobbies...

It is ok to cry for a little while, but I can't be consumed. 

My Heart Hurts

In the loneliness place of despair
I am still lying to myself
Nothing has changed...
I am still wanted and loved.

As a nose extends with a lie
My heart beats with stronger definition
As if it is trying to warn me of self deception
But honestly I don't want to see.

There was a time of inclusion and need
Where I was wrapped in strong arms of love
Doubt was but a theory of nonexistence
Joy was found in the simplicity of being together.

My life was full of anticipation and excitement
There was nothing more to be added to a moment
The smiles couldn't extend further on our faces
Our moments together were raw passion.

I find myself in a constant blur of emotions
Wondering if there will be a we when the dust settles.
My heart is pulled in opposite directions
Pleading for peace, needing love to survive.

My brain is stronger than my heart
I can overrule the reality of my heart's despair
I can live in an imaginary world of love
That existed in the recent past, I think.

The Perpetrator, The Victim & The Rescuer

My life was summarized into three characters last week. I have been taking time to reflect on this and I wonder how many people can actually relate. It is clear through my posts my parents and I did not always get along well while I was growing up, but this analogy also defined our relationship. In any given situation I was playing one of these roles, and also eliciting someone else to be playing one of these roles.

The Perpetrator
As the perp you typically and instigating some type of negative reaction. Whether it is innocent or perceived as correct, the reaction to your behavior is also aggressive. I would be the perpetrator at times to my parents and say things to my dad about how he treated my brother or sister - or really butt into a conversation I didn't belong until I made him uncomfortable and he became the victim. This would then elicit my mom acting as the rescuer to protect him from me or even from my siblings if at this point they ganged up on him.
 
The Victim
The victim is attacked by the perp and often left feeling helpless. Just recently I went to my parent's house and I became the victim. My mom has MS and my dad basically see me as the cause. My mom will go further and do more with me than she normally would and then when I leave she is really worn down and it takes her a while to recover. Unfortunately, I cannot control my mother's actions and since all my dad sees is it taking a toll on her he treats me poorly or verbally attacks me for doing enough for my mom. I feel defenseless and guilty because I never want to make my mom's MS worse.

The Rescuer
As the rescuer you are protecting the victim for the perp and taking on more responsibility and fault of action than you should. In the above analogy my mom would turn into the rescuer because she would defend me against my dad.

All in all, none of the roles are healthy. 

This role-play has become such a habitual part of my interactions, I find myself eliciting these same characters with my boyfriend. I may ask him to come over after he's had a long day and rather than being understanding I find myself acting as the perp. I start to hound him to the point I start to make him feel guilty. Once he feels guilty and I have turned him into the victim and I apologize and offer to go to his house and become the rescuer. This entire time, all I could have done is offer to go to his house because he always comes to my house. Same end point, two vastly different routes.

It is so crazy because you can easily become engulfed in any of these roles. You can also elicit these roles without thinking about it. I know one of the struggles of a woman is to say what I mean and mean what I say. If I want you to come over, I may tell you to stay home; if you ask me if I want you to come over, I may tell you it doesn't matter. No sense.

Vulnerability is an intense emotion however. It is also very difficult to experience and deal with trauma appropriately. I have made a habit of only presenting myself in three different lights, when in reality this has nothing to do with how I actually feel or what I actually want. Why is it so difficult to say what I actually want? Because I don't want to get hurt. Not by my parents, my boyfriend, my friends or even a damn stranger.

This is going to be a crazy journey and while CL has made it clear she doesn't expect me to change this immediately, she does want me to start paying attention to situations where this could or does arise... It has been 6 days since I last went to see her and after briefly flipping through my past, I cannot come up with one memory in which these roles did not play a prominent part.

So do me a favor and ask yourself, are you acting or eliciting people to ask as a perpetrator, victim or rescuer in your life? Once you start noticing, you begin looking at situations with a whole new perspective.

Relationships are like sand held in your hand...

Everyone - or maybe the majority of people know the analogy of relationships being like sand held in your hand. If you pour sand into your hand and squeeze it to no end, no matter what you do it will dwindle away, leaving you with nothing. Much like if you suffocate your partner in a relationship by hounding them about what they are doing, where they are going... slowly you are going to start losing them.

When you pour the sand in your hand and let it sit there, with care it will stay put. When you trust your partner and give them the benefit of the doubt you will find they won't stray away.

I feel so much like I am losing the most important person in my life and it is SO hard keeping my hand open. We were supposed to be together tonight (right now) because all I want is to watch the fireworks. However, he is out and voiced to me he really just wanted to stay out with the guys and whomever. I offered to go down and he said he would meet me somewhere but the anger in his voice made me realize how badly he didn't want to do it. He said, I feel like I can't ever do my own thing. When I finally said, OK I can be understanding. I am just put off because I really looked forward to tonight, but I get that sometimes you just want to do your stuff. His anger lessened, I actually don't feel as anxious as I suspected. Our phone disconnected and it took a while to get it back - but then he said I love you so much and he sounded so genuine. I really hope he has a good time and I am not mad. I realize I have a long way to go to be a good partner and I just hope I haven't screwed up the one relationship I want to truly work. As long as I do everything I think I can do and am the best person I can be though, no one can ask for more. Right now my bf needs space and as much as I have a hard time dealing with it, I have to be supportive and understanding. I am scared, but what good does scared do.

What will happen, will happen. Not a whole lot more to it.

Drama vs Trauma

My dad called me dramatic not that long ago and that comment stuck with me terribly... Didn't realize it was my life's way of foreshadowing...

When I first saw the counselor she asked why I was there basically. I told her I need to learn coping skills and how to communicate because it is going to cost me my relationship with my partner as well as other important people in my life. A rather diplomatic answer. Basically what I told her when I emailed her after I first found her. I also told her I had a traumatic past, but I didn't use the word traumatic with the meaning it now has. We asked me to tell her a little about my life...

I grew up and I was always the good kid. I helped take care of my sister, my brother... Whatever needed to be done. I always knew my parents used me against the other but somehow I stopped it from bothering me. "Counselor Lady (for privacy) or CL" said this is when I kicked into survival mode. I had a fight or flight mode, I probably still do. In order to bear everyone from some of the details, I told her how my mom told me after a long fight she wished she would of had an abortion when she had the chance and how my parents reported me as a runaway after they told me to leave. How my dad finally found me and tried to leave me in a psych ER... When I say I was a good kid, this was the conversation between the social worker and my dad...


"Let's try to figure out the problem here tonight... Does your daughter break curfew?"

No she doesn't have a curfew because we always decide on a good time for her to be home depending on what she is doing...

"Does she come back late?"

No.

"Does your daughter drink?"

No.

"Does she use drugs?"

Absolutely not.

"Ok, sir what's the worst thing your daughter has ever done...?"

I'm not exactly sure what you mean.

"You brought her down here tonight because she is being non-compliant and I am trying to determine why you feel this way. What is the worst thing you can think of your daughter doing?"

Well a couple of weeks ago she talked on her cell phone while she was driving.

[crickets]

Me - "which was justified because I was at a red light and my friend needed a ride because he totaled his car and needed to make it for his calc exam. It was 1 mile out of my way total."

Doesn't matter, you shouldn't have done it.

[social worker looked at me] I am so sorry for the lack of love in your family.



She then proceeded to tell my dad she couldn't admit me based on his reasoning. He argued with her until he tried to leave me. At that point he was threatened with child neglect and I had to go with him...great. The next day my took me to a half way house where I was with kids 2-4 years younger than me who used drugs, drank and basically did all of the "bad" things I didn't. I was there for 2 weeks until right before Christmas.

[The worst part is about all of the stories like this is I love my parents so I never want anyone to speak ill of them. I realize they were not good to me before, but this is a glimpse of the terrible. I love them and we have a better relationship now.]

I told her a few other stories, none including physical or sexual abuse, but CL finally said to me, it sounds like you've had a lot of trauma in your past. Something about the wording of that sentence forever changed the way I look at the word traumatic. CL went on to say how she thinks my instincts kicked in when I was in the action but now I still have a lot of unresolved trauma. What happens she said, is I can find myself in other situations, minor ones, where something happens that links me to my traumatic experience and I link it together and try to deal with the trauma through this minor situation.

Interesting.

So, she said, you are a survivor that is clear. What we have to do is make you an authentic survivor. I am certainly a survivor. That is how I was raised without a doubt. I knew I had dealt with some of my issues, but I never considered the fact I may subconsciously attempt to deal with these problems in every day situations. So these every day situations are dramatic because I am unknowingly filtering situations with emotions twice the magnitude. It started to make sense.

She asked me if I was ready to work all of these problems out. It is going to be hard and there are going to be a lot of feelings running around. I am really scared I won't lie. What I do know is I am more scared of what I will lose if I don't do this.

When it rains it pours...

It's all about consistency which I clearly have not even demonstrated in this blog. I wanted to capture the moments of my life that are so frustrating and mystifying in one place where other people could read and relate. So far I have not succeeded...obviously.

I just started trying to change my life though so maybe this is my time to committ. All I can do is try to change. I just had a huge moment where I thought I was going to lose the most important person to me. The worst part is it is my fault. I have horrible communication styles when it comes to relationships. I creat unwanted drama and get frustrated by my own actions. God not knows how frustrating I must be to someone else. So I started counseling. I've known for a while I've needed t go but there is such a negative stigma attached it which is such bull. No matter what stereotypes surround it though, I know if I don't find a way to change, I'm going to ruin my life. Consistency isn't always good when it's associated with bad behavior.

So maybe I'll write about my counseling sessions and if you have thought about going or just might be afraid, this may give you some insight.

It's all about habits...

A change in habits is a daily practice...first word of advice from my aunt.

Oh how true it is. 

I think people often don't realize that negative comments are a gateway to a negative lifestyle. It's so hard to not get wrapped up in the little negative things. I gave the example of a ordering a cheeseburger. I like my cheeseburgers plain, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, when you order it plain and it comes with ketchup, mustard, pickles, onions and a terrible smell it could be a reason to be upset. Especially when you are not in a place when you can take it back to be corrected. But there are two ways to go about this situation.

1- Get all pissed about something you cannot change, let it go cold so it's even grosser. Or just waste it all together and not eat it.
OR
2- Realize there's nothing you can do but wipe off all of the terrible additions and try to eat it. What else can you do really?

So today's lesson is you're cheeseburger is not how you ordered it... what are you going to do?

23... so glad I've made it

So I realize now that's its July...holy crap how the time flies.

I can honestly say I wasn't 100% sure I was going to make it here. I find I am still having trouble with some of my post-surgery medicines. I have to take a nerve blocker every 8 hours. My phone alarm is the most dreaded noise I've ever come into contact with.

I have finally started a "real job." I am making twice what I made at the hotel. Thank the lord. I realized this month if I hadn't started this new job I wouldn't be able to afford rent. I realize the point of an online journal, is one to write in it. (I'm working on it) but two, to get your voice out there. However, I don't want that voice to be negative.

I have asked my Aunt, who is an amazing person to help mentor me. She is very relaxed, can go with the flow, but is still completely involved and cares more than you would believe. I want so much to adapt to her ways. So I am hoping through her advice I can. I have decided this is going to be the last journal entry I complain without solutions. I think healthy venting is good. SO... if you want to take a journey of self discovery with me... let's start now!

Where Did You Go?

I found a poem yesterday that I wrote for a friend who died last year. It was a tragic accident, and I still think of him every day. It was my first real experience with having someone close to me and close to my age die. I still remember sitting in the movie theater when I got the call he was in the hospital and suffering from 95% of his body being burned. My heart dropped and I raced to the hospital where I sat in the hall with some of his friends and family with my head buried in my lap just crying.

You just never know when something is going to happen so we have to make sure we always leave on a positive note. Even though words may leave our mouths in anger, we have to be stronger and ask ourselves if this is how we want to be remembered. We don't always get second chances only opportunities to learn from others who wish they did.

If you have ever lost someone near and dear to you, I hope this poem reaches you and provides you with a sense of comfort it provided me with while I wrote it.

Where did you go? 

Where did you go?

I can’t seem to find you.

I yelled out the window

and in your room too.

Are you hiding from me?

I can’t find where you’re at.

I listed everywhere you might be

but I got no where with that.

Can you see me right now?

I can’t see you anywhere.

I just keep thinking why and how

and my heart starts to tear.

Do you think this is funny?

I can’t seem to start smiling.

Come out now, it’s just me

I’m trying not to start crying.

Does this mean you’re gone?

I can’t bring myself to understand.

Please, this can’t last too long

this isn’t what I had planned.

Are you coming back?

I can’t do this on my own.

Our lives are so off track

we aren’t meant to be all alone.

Please tell me, where did you go?

I can’t just can’t make myself believe.

Time has frozen in a state of sorrow

happiness has taken leave.

Just tell me this, can you find some kind of bliss

in spite of being so dearly missed?

Are you finding your way

even though I want you to stay?

Are you able to be happy

when all I pray is for you to be here with me?

Please just say, you are on an angel’s wings

watching me as you leave.

Happiness has taken leave,

time has frozen in a state of sorrow.

Days have become indistinguishable,

we have all lost sight of tomorrow.

The earth has ceased rotation,

life has lost its meaning.

Hearts have shattered all around,

we all sleep in hopes of dreaming.

Dense fog has replaced the air,

breaths have become replaced by tears.

The worst has come true,

out of all our fears.

Where did you go? Please just tell me.

I just can’t make myself believe.

Please just say, you are on an angel’s wings

watching me as you leave.

 

To Give You Hope

"There are as many nights as days, and one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness." -Carl Jung

 So many times in our lives we hit a point where we go, "WTF" and cry our eyes out. I know I am only 22, but hear me out. I've watched my grandmothers, mother, friends, younger siblings and myself just ball because of how terrible someone has hurt us. I'm not just saying in a relationship either. What we have to remember is, We can only rise as far as we fall.

While I have a fantastic relationship with my parents now, things were not always so easy when I was growing up, especially in high school. The words of my mother when I was 16 still haunt me. She said, "I wish I would have had an abortion when I had the chance." (side note, I am sure I said something as equally cruel to her and neither of us were in mentally healthy places as we are now). But aside from intent and actuality, we have reality. The reality of the situation to me was- I am my mother's biggest mistake. My heart tore, the dams in my eyes broke and I took off running until the boy I was dating picked me up a mile from my house. It's difficult explaining an emotion you don't fully understand. I had no idea my heart could hurt on that kind of level. It was a new dimension, unimaginable let alone indescribable. The person whom I looked up to the most and had to be greatful for the life I lead didn't want me. I knew my biological father didn't want me. But at least he gave me up before he knew me. She knew me... but at that time she wished she didn't. My father (her husband now who adopted me at age 7) had a similar argument right after I turned 18. I apologize for not being able to share it, because I have spent the last 4 years attempting to block it out of my mind. So family wise, in my mind the two people in my life who hadn't disappointed me and who always made me feel wanted were my grandparents. My grandfather moved me to college after my parents kicked me out. They paid for me to live my junior year when I had no financial means to get a loan. But they too left me hanging high and dry when they scheduled a vacation the day of my college graduation. I reminded them every time I saw them for at least 8 months before the date. I even explained to them how important it was they were there to me. Notta.

I have been hurt by relationships too. When I was a senior in high school I was absolutely infatuated with a boy who made me think nothing could ever go wrong. I was trusting and endearing and naive... he was a year older than I and he cheated on me with his college dorm resident assistant. He described to me as, "doing it like rabbits." What's worse is I even took him back. Oh how hind sight is 20-20. Don't worry though, end the end I left him. Then there was the last guy who, long story short, learned everything about me in a very short period of time and actually had the nerve to use it against me. You don't do that. When someone confides in you and shares a piece of themselves with you that does not mean you own that piece. That means you are privileged enough to learn something so deep about them, by no means is it a right to bring it up as you please. At one his words to me were, "You'll never find anyone. No one could ever love you." Even though he is a psychopath, those words hurt. It's the gut wrenching, end all conversation moments where you feel like the world stops and you start spinning.

I am by no means writing this to ask for you sympathy. I am writing in hopes I will give you something to relate to. I am writing because I want to give you hope. They say all things happen for a reason. I don't know who "they" are, but I have never believed it more than I do right now.

I have found my reason why.

There is a disclaimer. I believe you have to first be able to make yourself happy before you can be happy with someone in a relationship. Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstance. Once you can make peace with the wrong in your life and look for the good, for no other reason than it makes you feel good- then you can attempt a relationship.

That is exactly what I did. I decided I always wanted to move away from Michigan and live in a city. I knew a good friend who had an extra bedroom so I gave her a call and moved to Pittsburgh less than a month later. She helped me get a job. What I didn't realize is the man who stole my breath away my fourth day on the job, would also be the man to steal my heart away.

Don't get me wrong, this relationship terrifies me to pieces. But that's what being vulnerable is about. You never get anywhere unless you take a chance. Especially after this 3-month cancer scare and lung surgery, when he had every chance to say, "See ya later." We've been apart 2-weeks now, which is a very minuscule amount of time, but I can't explain how long it feels. I think it has brought us together more than being together could have though. When you miss someone and see the holes in your daily life from where you want them to be, it's irrevocably love. I have never felt this kind of love. I have always cared for the people I have been in relationships with and up until this point I thought I really did love them. I can see now, I did love them... just not like this. Just as my mother introduced into a horribly other dimension of hate and sadness, my boyfriend has introduced in a level of love and happiness. The worst part is I don't know how to deal with it. I can deal with someone saying something hurtful to me so much easier than I can deal with him saying a sincere comment like, "It upsets me so much other people in your life have hurt you."

I thought some poor old bastard made up the phrase, "you complete me." I have spent a lot of time mocking it. Well shit, guess I have my foot in my mouth. My weaknesses are his strengths. When I am unable to be myself he steps in and helps me without me having to ask. He listens, he tries to understand (try being the operative word sometimes, haha), he appreciates me in my entirety, he wants me... nothing more, nothing less, just me. I feel more loved, more cared about, more appreciated and more secure now than at any other point in my life I can remember. I can say honestly I am more than greatful for the obstacles I have had to overcome in my life because I would not be able to appreciate who he is and how he makes me feel if I hadn't gone through them.

I'm not saying you have to believe me about all of this, because I know you will experience it in your own time. Once you do, you can send me a "you were right" note and that will suffice. All I want is for people to remain optimistic and believe in themselves.

You can only receive what deem yourself as worthy of receiving.

You only get one life, so believe you deserve everything in the way of happiness and that you are above settling for anything less. There will be hard days, no doubt, but just like a thunderstorm it will pass and there will be rays of sunlight to follow. However, there will only be a rainbow if you believe you are lucky enough to see it. So if you've seen a rainbow, than you in fact are lucky and deserve the best.

A Little Unsure

Today's been a weird day so far. I had to drive my best friend back to the train station. Held back some tears :( How do you go from seeing someone every day for 4 years to hopefully talking to them every couple weeks? You know they care, duh... she booked a trip to come see me because of my surgery. But you wish there was more time in the day because you want to go back to the time when you talked every day :( I suppose this is the instance where we have to stay positive and know we are lucky to have such great friends that would travel states to just be with you. I hope everyone out there as at least one person they know they could call and in a heart beat they would be there. I am blessed to say I have a handful of friends that would do this. Remember friends are the family we get to choose.

My nausea came back today. I am not sure if it is the nerve blockers they have me on or the fact my father found it necessary to light our wood stove and overheat the living room... March madness may also have something to do with it. I love an exciting game, but damn does every game have to come down to the last 2 minutes?!

On a completely different note, do you ever just get into a 'Why?' mood? I am trying not to get sucked in, but I am just so confused about everything. I feel like I should be doing a lot with my life in general. I am a college graduate, yet I work as a breakfast server. I know I could blame the economy or a million other things, but honestly I feel like there are jobs out there for people who are looking hard enough. So why am I not looking? Why am I letting myself live without intention? I suppose there isn't a lot I can do before I fully recover, but still doesn't seem like an excuse.

What's worse is I don't want to make any real commitments to my life in Pittsburgh because there's a chance my boyfriend could go into border patrol and end up in Tuscon. Which would be fantastic for him, the scary part... I'm considering going with him if he has to move. But that's crazy right? We haven't been together that long so how can you justify it? To the same extent but opposite side, who would I have to justify it to? It's my life. I make the decisions. I have nothing to lose going, so why not? Then I start to think, why am I even worrying about this because it might not happen! Ah! He could get a job in the city and if he does that, then I have only wasted time. The scary part is, I don't want to make a huge mistake. I have dated some real duesch bags (for lack of a better word) and I don't want to move have way across the US to figure this out. I know he isn't though, he's unlike anything I've experienced. Which sounds so scripted, right? It's true though.

Ugh...sometimes I think I think too much. To quote Lauren Conrad, "Everyone's past relationships have been bad, that's why they ended." So all we can do is put ourselves out there and deal with what is at hand.

Give Us A Break... kit kats don't count

If there is a specific amount of "shit" you are suppose to deal with in your life, I think I am reaching the quota! That's positive... right?

So Saturday night my bf's car was totaled. Isn't that nice? Someone driving a moving truck backed into it and drove off into the sunset. Side note- I hit a car trying to parallel park about 2 months ago, broke his tail light. So...I got a piece of paper and wrote down all of my information and put it on his windshield. Let's call this a responsibility initiative.

Back on track, conveniently my car is back in the 'Burgh (is that really what people say?) so at least he has something to cruise around in til I get back. But seriously? I am terrified for what happens next. But hopefully he'll find a good car at a good price and soon.

As for everyone else please note:

How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours.

A Month of Silence

No news is not always good news. I had lung surgery on March 4th.

I am sorry it has taken so long to write.

So many words went through my mind when I realized I had to have surgery. Let's face it- if it's not one excuse it's another. But honestly this has been the hardest month of my life. Not only did I feel like I was going to die, but I just felt alone.

Good news is, the tumor is out! Was it cancer? Wtf knows... seriously. Well they "don't think" it was it is. That's nice... but there is solid good news. Every person who has had this type of tumor and had it removed has never had it return. While I tend to be the anomaly, I'd prefer to think I can be the majority of never.

What it is also amazing is how much support I have had. My best friends from Cali and Illinois have or are traveling to see me. My boyfriend has driven back and forth from PA to be there on the day of my surgery as well as a 2-day trip. I am so greatful for all of them.

I am making a twitter account as well so any who would like to keep up with my thoughts can follow me there. It'll be @Backwoods_Belle

At this point, all we can do is say well done to what we've made it through, thank you for what we have, and here we go for what lies ahead. Sometimes we spend too much of our time fighting time, instead of just accepting it and moving on. Robert Frost said in three words he could sum up life, "It goes on."

So this is the going on part... hope you stay part of the journey :)

Selfishly Unfair

I feel bad blogging about this but I am not quite sure who to say what to. I feel like absolute hell. I find out if I have cancer tomorrow and I couldn't even tell my own boyfriend I wanted him here for me tonight. The worst part is, I kinda hoped he'd just know....and you can't get mad at someone because you hoped they'd just know.

I am so angry and upset. Then I feel so completely silly because what if the tests come back negative. So even though I may have to have lung surgery I don't even need radiation. OMG- I wish I was able to comprehend my own thoughts right now. I want to crawl into a hole and only come out if someone can guarantee me positive news. I feel SO SELFISH! I am a freaking mess and I should be concentrating on the fact there could be positive news. But all I can think is what if it's negative. What if the doctor calls and I have cancer? ...fuck. Then I feel even worse because if I get a phone call and I don't have cancer then I have just wasted everyone's time.

I can't imagine the number of people in the world that feel this way on a daily basis. On top of that I cannot imagine how people feel who have cancer. I feel terrible for even trying to understand because I don't think anyone can understand how I feel and I can't understand how they feel.

Is it bad for expecting my boyfriend to make plans with me tonight? To be there for me? He is absolutely amazing and would do anything for me but he couldn't figure out that I would want him with me tonight? All I want to do is go home. I can hear him from the other room and I just want to close my eyes and be someone else. He has his friends over and granted if I would have told him they wouldn't be here but I didn't want to have to tell to him. Again, I just wanted him to know. I feel so bad writing anything negative, because like I said he is amazing. He just sat in here and talked to me about all of it, and I know he feels bad- but it just doesn't seem to cut it. Hearing him act like nothing wrong kills me as much as me pretending nothing is wrong.

Holy shit, what if I have cancer? No it's not the end of the world. But I've never smoked so why the hell do I potentially have lung cancer? I've already had heart problems, kidney problems and dealt with being adopted by my dad... really, throw this on top? What a fucking cherry.

Oh how contradicting I feel. Maybe one of the worst feelings in the world, nothing that I feel is right...in any capacity. Maybe I should sleep it off. Whatever. I am so angry and hurt, I don't have words to explain.

Anyone with advice, please help. SOS

Productively unproductive

I think one of the worst...no the worst thing in life is the unknown. No matter how hard reality may be, as long as you know what's going on you are able to move forward.

So moral of this story...the doctor's office didn't call today. I was really hoping to know the results from my biopsy. And while I knew there was a big possibility I wouldn't know until next week, it isn't comforting in the slightest. On the bright side I've made a decision to force it out of my mind. In my opinion, every aspect of life is a result of a decision you've made. You always have a choice, no matter the situation. Based on my theory then, my choices are one- think about "what if" while obsessively checking my phone for the next few days, or two; realize no matter what the news I'll find a way to get through so I should try to concentrate on something else to take my mind of it.

Somehow cleaning was the decision I made. My apartment looks AMAZING let me tell you. I vaccuumed, scrubbed and washed down the counters, stove, toaster oven, floors, dishes and sink. Then I moved to the bathroom where I managed to find a way to utilize 3 different cleaners, 2 different types of scrub pads as well as the old faithful windex and paper towel. Plus the toilet scrubber. Please note my bathroom is about the size of a hotel elevator, so be impressed. Then after I cleaned in between each tile and washed the shower organizer I decided my room needed to be rearranged. Now I should probably be abiding to my weight restrictions but I am so tired if not being able to do anything by myself so I thought rearranging my room might be a good way for me to boost my esteem.

Ha...well its almost 1am, I finally finished and I have to be at work at 6am. Which choice was the bad decision now...it does feel nice to have my room switched around. I find it comforting my lung didn't collapse or develop a numathorax as a result. I was texting myself, I won't lie.

But here I am, in the state of limbo. I kinda feel like I am trying to find Carmen Santiago and I can't get closer than two steps behind. Only time will tell. Words of wisdom, this too shall pass.

The next day....

So it's the day after my biopsy, which OMG...it hurt so bad. There were 2 key components that made the biopsy absolutely unbearable. The first is they have you lay on this long skinny bed going into the CT machine on your side. I layer down at about 11am with my arms over my head and my legs on top of one another and then couldn't move a muscle until about 145. My left should felt like it was going to burn through to tomorrow and my knees were in so much pain on top of one another, not to mention they lay at least 10lbs of lead on top of them. Ugh. So then without sedation they gave me around 5-8 shots of lidocaine in my back but each shot went deeper than the first so they hurt more and more instead of less and less.
So the second part that killed was the actual biopsy. Since you can't move and can hardly breath the put this small tube in your back, between your ribs and in through your lung. Then they put this needle in through that and stab at the tumor. Holy shit, it hurt so bad. Once the needle is in the tumor they start to bounce it up and down trying to gather samples of the tissue but it feel like he was dribbling a needle in and out of my back. He did this 5 freaking times! The last time of which he used a 20 gauge needle. AH! I couldn't move or breathe when they were finished yesterday. Every single motion instigated a monstrosity of pain. I almost sneezed but somehow managed go keep it in because I'm pretty sure it would have killed me.

So now I guess we sit and wait for the results. I am def better today but still hurt. I feel at such a loss because I still don't know anything and part of me feels like the doctors arent going to have any feedback because the PA doing the biopsy said he pulled the same kinda cells the first 4 times. I still don't know what I'd do if they told me its cancer, puts me at a loss for words. The quote getting me through right now is from Leo Buscaglia again that says, "Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it just saps its joy from today."

Just breath & Little acts of kindness

So I got into a heated conversation with my mother last night. Why do people constantly exhaust the question what if?

What if the results confirm its cancer? What if I have to go through treatment? What if the world stops fucking turning and we all die? ...that's how I feel. I will be the first to admit I am definitely a planner. I like to know when things are going to happen and if I am not sure I will make them happen. I like to be in control. This often complicates my love life. But what am I suppose to do in this situation? Sit around and plan out what I am going to do for every possible outcome? Ridiculous. If this really is cancer and I have to have treatment I am going to be dealing with it for the rest of my life, so why should spend the next two weeks obsessing over it?

But whatever, I get that she is worried and cares and has the best of intentions. Here is the kicker, she asked me if I am ok burdening K (roommate) and R (boyfriend) with this and the doctor's appointments? ...really- what an awful way to look at it. She wants me to move back to her house which is 5 hours away and leave my life behind. First of all I am extremely lucky to have a friend who cares as much as she does and a boyfriend who would never consider me a burden. Don't get me wrong, I really wonder if I putting too much on either of them but all I can do is live my life and if they can't handle what is going on I know they would tell me. I still feel guilty...but you can only do so much you know?

So instead of boring you with a fight that I am basically over I will switch the topic. Little acts of kindness. It was Leo Buscaglia who said, "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

I try to live by this motto. You have no idea what a small passing glance with a smile can do for someone's day. Even more surprising, doing good makes you feel good. Ha, what- no way?! (sarcasm....yes) Something I have done since the time I was little is lay pennies on the ground heads up. I figure there are too many people that pick them up and not enough people to lay them down. My hopes is someone will look down and this simple 1-cent piece will make someone smile. Everyone likes to smile.

Today in the mail I got a few cards from people who have no idea how much I appreciate them. Out of respect I will leave it at that. But please remember what you do makes a difference so make sure that difference is good.

I hope this doesn't seem like a lecture. Just a reminder.

More excitement than you or I were ready for

Well, I thought this blog would be more like a hobby, but I am beginning to think it may be more like therapy. So if you ever wondered what other people may say to a counselor I guess you should keep reading...

I guess a good way to start this post is by telling you what happened. On Tuesday of this week I was told a malignant tumor is alive and growing inside of my right lung- by definition it is cancer then. Wow. What. Really? I have never smoked except for maybe 3 or 4 cigarettes during my rebellious adolescent period. What about the people that smoke a pack a day or week or even in a lifetime? What do I say to people? What do people say to me? Fuck. That's how I feel.

But I should feel lucky. I say this because the only reason this tumor was discovered is because I went to the hospital with terrible back pain exactly a month ago today. I was in so much pain it hurt to breath, move, talk, etc. (As a side note, it was also my roommate's birthday). So after they gave me every drug they could possibly try and my back still hurt they ending up running a blood test and doing a CT scan. That's when they discovered the tumor. At 1am the ER doc came in my room and handed me a 20-page pamphlet on the cancer center in the city. It's one of the best in the US. I looked at my roommate and we just cried.

So if you are asking yourself why am I so surprised on in shock when I found this out a month ago? Well after being admitted into the hospital the pulmonologist (Dr. R) decided he had never seen a case like this before and there was NO WAY it could be lung cancer. So after I was released from the hospital I went to see another doctor in a different state (Dr. A), and after comparing my CT scans to a lung x-ray taken 3 months earlier he said he was 99% confident this was not lung cancer and there was no need to worry. He recommended I get another CT scan in 3 months to track its progress. So by this point I was feeling pretty good.

A week after I met with Dr. A he called me. He told me he present my case to a board of tumor doctors who realized they were looking at my x-ray in the wrong format and in fact it did show the tumor that my most recent CT scan showed. Whoops. He recommended I get to a new doctor immediately and have a biopsy. He helped me find a doctor close to where I am now and she ordered a PET scan because it was less invasive than a biopsy and if it came back negative then there would be no reason for it to be biopsied. (If you are not familiar with a PET scan, basically it requires you to fast for 6 hours and not consume carbs for 12 hours. Then you are injected with glucose and radiation. The cells in your body will start to metabolize the glucose and as they do that the radiation will remain in the cell and will show up on the scan. You have to sit in a dim room for about 40 minutes without moving in order to prevent cells from needing the energy. Consequently, your bladder, heart, brain and any tumor that is alive and growing will be the only things metabolizing the glucose because you do not have to be active for that to happen.)

So the results from the PET scan came back positive. Shit. Now I have a biopsy on Tuesday to confirm and then more than likely surgery. Awesome.  It's so frustrating because I just don't know how to feel. I know I'll make it through this and I refuse to let this impact my life any more than it has to. But I am not finding a lot of comfort in that. I also don't really want to talk to anyone about it because there isn't a lot they can say. So hopefully writing a blog about it and hoping someone reads it will be my saving grace. Maybe there is someone else out there going through this and they will find comfort they are not alone.

Welcome to my life

If I had a dime for the number of times someone has told me, you always have a story to tell, I would be afford to buy the domain for this blog. But this is what it is folks, so take it for what it's worth to you. I can guarantee this, every story will be true and maybe the world will get a little closer to understanding the female mind of a 20-something.