Should I have known? He cheated. Apparently he was selfish enough to tell me too. It was enough that he broke my heart, but it was so deep inside him and bothered him so much he had to tell me to get it off his chest. He could have just let me heal and known what he had done ruined us.
Thursday was such a rough day. This is when he told me everything. I didn't even know what to say. I was completely traumatized. I actually said, "it's ok." I even thanked him for telling me. BULLSHIT. HORSESHIT. There is no thank you from me - honestly, he should have let that ruin him to the core. He also thinks he has nothing to prove to me and that I just should just know he loves me. Really? How is that. Your actions speak that you don't give a damn about me or my feelings. I explained to you how important commitment was and how black and white cheating is and you just threw it all away.
You decided I was not worth enough to preserve.
You decided tasting another girl was worth more than everything I stood for.
And now you want to tell me you love me. Oh how delusional you are.
You are a selfish sun of a bitch who wouldn't know love if it bit you in the ass.
You miss me. You are damn right you do.
You took me for granite.
But not just me, my love, my presence, my support, my existence in your life.
I would ask how you could do such a thing, but clearly your actions speak to who you are as a person.
Lies flow through your teeth as smooth as compliments.
As you lay awake at night - it's your actions that will haunt you.
If you try to convince yourself what you did was ok - good luck.
You'll never find peace with what you have done.
My heart is broken over a dream I thought was coming true before my eyes. I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. It is hard to find peace but I am just glad that I will be able to.
It certainly doesn't help that I am sick today. I would absolutely to have someone take care of me and put their fingers through my hair. Unfortunately, I made my theraflu by myself and here I sit all alone. I have so much pain but I have to remember the present and where we were at when we ended. So tonight I went through my Facebook photos and removed all of the ones we were together in. It sounds so trivial - but it was difficult. Of course as you look at the past all you see is happiness and joy. It is so hard but I guess this is how we move on. It is so difficult when all I want is to still be loved. Still belong to someone. To be wanted. To be cared for. To be truly loved.
I did hear a quote today that I liked so I wanted to share it with whoever may read this:
"No matter how angry you are you should never throw away a gift given out of love."
The end of my post, Nothing Can Comfort a Broken Heart, there was a list of constructive ways to release emotions. I am unsure if this has helped anyone, or quite honestly if anyone has ever actually read this. In an attempt to stay as busy as possible, it is difficult continuing to write everything down that I want to. If you are reading this, please feel free at any time to give me feedback. I am about to lay everything out on the line, for better or worse what I can I do than be honest.
Wednesday night was so difficult. I cried so much and felt I couldn't stop. I happened to meet someone (we'll call him B1) about 3 weeks who is from a town I used to live in and conveniently enough ended up talking/texting with them. On Thursday night he invited me out to a bar I used to frequent with my ex...(I hate typing/saying the word "ex" so I will refer to him as EBF/exboyfriend). I decided after work the first appearance there would be the hardest and well, shit, why not go. So I did. After having a stiff drink and I started to loosen up B1 and his roommate were a lot of fun. After 3 drinks, I realized I would not be able to make it home. Of course you cannot help but feel guilty because I have extremely black and white feelings about cheating - but truth was EBF broke up with me. He broke my heart. I no longer have a loyalty to him. I really was tired of crying and the familiarity of B1 was comforting. It also helped he was just dumped so I felt like there was common ground. So long story short I decided to go back home with him. I REFUSE to sleep with one after one night or have a one night stand, but we hung out and joked around and I genuinely felt OK. It was nice. Then when bed time came... I did kiss him. It was never the plan all along but something about him (and probably not wanting to feel sad anymore) let me do it. I enjoyed it intensely. We absolutely did not lose articles of clothing... but it was still so nice to have my mind some where else.
I have the issue of being an over thinker though. I also really like having someone you can call and hang out with. Someone you can go out with whenever and call it good. I felt like because we have similar backgrounds, thing "make sense." It was one of those ah-ha moments. ...except based on the current situation, there is no ah-ha about it. In the morning we woke up and it was totally not awkward and I was still feeling OK. When we walked down to find my car it had been towed...WTF. I am so not joking. So he had to take the bus to campus, which I felt bad about, but really my car was towed. How bad could I really feel?
So that morning we text and maybe 6-7 messages in he just stopped responding. We were supposed to go out Friday night with someone else we both knew, and so about 6:45 Friday night I text him again, and said, "Hey, you still wanna go out tonight." Nothing... nothing ever since. AH! No joke - I want to be the person that says NO. I want to be the person that doesn't respond. But most of all... I just want my thoughts to coincide with the future sometimes, haha. I have to stop setting expectations. But how? This super annoys me.
So how do I make sense of this now. Then I realized, there is no making sense. I am sure the majority of the world knows this. But slowly I will realize. People are going to do what they are going to do. I can only control myself. Not going to lie this sucks. So what if I want to rebound? Well I have to remember going into it, even though we have ties to the hometown - it does not mean our feelings coincide at all. For all I know he go together with his ex-gf. Whatever. The next place I enter is whether or not the bartender with tell my EBF I was there with another guy... and quite frankly I hope somehow he finds out. I want him to text me and tell me how could I? What was I thinking? Or some other bullshit thing. Because all I want to say to him is -
"THIS WAS YOUR DECISION! YOU BROKE MY HEART! I was 100% faithful to you and wanted to be with you and only you. Since you broke my heart you have NO CLAIM TO ME. NO RIGHT TO JUDGE ME. NO RIGHT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT ME."
Ugh...so as far as being constructive goes... today was day 2 of running. I ran yesterday. I have a ton of steps to go down... which makes it more challenging, but hey. When I cramped up I also pretended I was purging EBF. Funny story... I didn't cramp today. I ran a couple miles too. By knows mean I am totally in shape, especially since my lung surgery. I have decided to make running my boyfriend though. I want to look forward to it and commit to it. I am unsure if this is actually healthy or not yet, but at least I am doing something. Also a little fun fact, you cannot run and cry at the same time.
I am going to end this post with the song I am currently obsessed with. It is gives me positive energy, maybe it will for you too.
The tears won't stop pouring down my face
This wave of emotion keeps crashing against my soul
The pain of heartbreak is worse than any physical damage
The feelings of every feeling are exhausting and draining
I'm so sad about what I thought we had
About what I feel like we have lost
I'm sad when I remember the good
Because I feel like I've been lied to and I believed it.
I'm so angry you are doing this to me.
How long have you not wanted to be with?
How could you hurt me so badly
How can you appear this doesn't affect you at all?
I'm so scared its all my fault
I feel like I could or should have done something
I am scared not to have you
Not to depend on you
Not to support you
Not to have your support
I'm so scared to go sleep
If I dream about you
My heart will break all over again in the morning
I'm scared you're finding someone else right now
I'm scared you never did love me
The only thing I want right now is you
Is your arms to wrap around me
You to make me feel like I'm ok without a word
Comfort in your presence and love in your touch
All I want is the one thing that's making me feel this way.
I'm not even sure if I want to not hurt...
Because if I don't hurt anymore
I won't have any attachment to you.
No matter what anyone says or does, it will not unbreak your heart. The cold reality is the pain you feel as your heart shatters into pieces hurts your soul. No matter how you play the scene of your break-up it doesn't change the now, which HURTS. Yes one day it won't feel this poorly, but unlike everyone else I will not lie to you, NOTHING will make you feel better while your heart is broken.
This was the one picture I felt depicted how I feel.
If you have ever had a broken heart you know the worst part is the flashbacks. In a split second you are back in a memory that warms your heart and then rebreaks it. The emotional moment is nearly as bad as the realization your partner doesn't really love you. I was sitting at work today when my phone buzzed for a text message when I realized how much I looked forward to getting a text him. It is the simple, little moments you realize filled your life and your heart. That's the problem, your heart becomes so filled that when its shattered you are just breaking the mold - you are literally bleeding love. (I did not intend to reference the song here, haha - guess it's true.)
I won't lie - this blog might just be a way for me to vent for a while. I am sorry if it depresses you, I just don't know any other way to get out what I am feeling. My natural route is to try and push all feelings as far away as I can. As I am learning in counseling this is one of the most unhealthy ways to deal with emotions.
I just want to cry. I don't know what else to do. The pain I feel is so raw and immediate. It comes to me in waves. Sometimes I have a memory in mind that makes me sad, and then other times my tears just well up and I want to disappear into a cave of the past. I want to be in his warm, defined arms. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to feel loved and cared about. I want to not be in this situation. Unfortunately, all of these wants are perpetuated disappointment. I was told today not to beat myself up because the only way I am going to really get through this is to feel. I don't want to feel. That's the truth.
No one wants their heart broken, this we can agree on. However, how do you mend a broken heart? To be honest I am not entirely sure, but I am going to document it every step of the way, so if you are looking to heal your heart please follow and comment, sometimes it's nice to know you aren't alone.
Today's First Step:
Make a list of healthy coping alternatives:
Watching a movie
Going for a run
Writing in my journal
Cleaning...but not too much, haha
Organizing and planning for my non-profit
Playing with my cat
Reading? ...not love stories
coming up with new hobbies...
It is ok to cry for a little while, but I can't be consumed.
In the loneliness place of despair I am still lying to myself Nothing has changed... I am still wanted and loved.
As a nose extends with a lie My heart beats with stronger definition As if it is trying to warn me of self deception But honestly I don't want to see.
There was a time of inclusion and need Where I was wrapped in strong arms of love Doubt was but a theory of nonexistence Joy was found in the simplicity of being together.
My life was full of anticipation and excitement There was nothing more to be added to a moment The smiles couldn't extend further on our faces Our moments together were raw passion.
I find myself in a constant blur of emotions Wondering if there will be a we when the dust settles. My heart is pulled in opposite directions Pleading for peace, needing love to survive.
My brain is stronger than my heart I can overrule the reality of my heart's despair I can live in an imaginary world of love That existed in the recent past, I think.
My life was summarized into three characters last week. I have been taking time to reflect on this and I wonder how many people can actually relate. It is clear through my posts my parents and I did not always get along well while I was growing up, but this analogy also defined our relationship. In any given situation I was playing one of these roles, and also eliciting someone else to be playing one of these roles.
The Perpetrator
As the perp you typically and instigating some type of negative reaction. Whether it is innocent or perceived as correct, the reaction to your behavior is also aggressive. I would be the perpetrator at times to my parents and say things to my dad about how he treated my brother or sister - or really butt into a conversation I didn't belong until I made him uncomfortable and he became the victim. This would then elicit my mom acting as the rescuer to protect him from me or even from my siblings if at this point they ganged up on him. The Victim
The victim is attacked by the perp and often left feeling helpless. Just recently I went to my parent's house and I became the victim. My mom has MS and my dad basically see me as the cause. My mom will go further and do more with me than she normally would and then when I leave she is really worn down and it takes her a while to recover. Unfortunately, I cannot control my mother's actions and since all my dad sees is it taking a toll on her he treats me poorly or verbally attacks me for doing enough for my mom. I feel defenseless and guilty because I never want to make my mom's MS worse.
The Rescuer
As the rescuer you are protecting the victim for the perp and taking on more responsibility and fault of action than you should. In the above analogy my mom would turn into the rescuer because she would defend me against my dad.
All in all, none of the roles are healthy.
This role-play has become such a habitual part of my interactions, I find myself eliciting these same characters with my boyfriend. I may ask him to come over after he's had a long day and rather than being understanding I find myself acting as the perp. I start to hound him to the point I start to make him feel guilty. Once he feels guilty and I have turned him into the victim and I apologize and offer to go to his house and become the rescuer. This entire time, all I could have done is offer to go to his house because he always comes to my house. Same end point, two vastly different routes.
It is so crazy because you can easily become engulfed in any of these roles. You can also elicit these roles without thinking about it. I know one of the struggles of a woman is to say what I mean and mean what I say. If I want you to come over, I may tell you to stay home; if you ask me if I want you to come over, I may tell you it doesn't matter. No sense.
Vulnerability is an intense emotion however. It is also very difficult to experience and deal with trauma appropriately. I have made a habit of only presenting myself in three different lights, when in reality this has nothing to do with how I actually feel or what I actually want. Why is it so difficult to say what I actually want? Because I don't want to get hurt. Not by my parents, my boyfriend, my friends or even a damn stranger.
This is going to be a crazy journey and while CL has made it clear she doesn't expect me to change this immediately, she does want me to start paying attention to situations where this could or does arise... It has been 6 days since I last went to see her and after briefly flipping through my past, I cannot come up with one memory in which these roles did not play a prominent part.
So do me a favor and ask yourself, are you acting or eliciting people to ask as a perpetrator, victim or rescuer in your life? Once you start noticing, you begin looking at situations with a whole new perspective.
