Where Did You Go?

I found a poem yesterday that I wrote for a friend who died last year. It was a tragic accident, and I still think of him every day. It was my first real experience with having someone close to me and close to my age die. I still remember sitting in the movie theater when I got the call he was in the hospital and suffering from 95% of his body being burned. My heart dropped and I raced to the hospital where I sat in the hall with some of his friends and family with my head buried in my lap just crying.

You just never know when something is going to happen so we have to make sure we always leave on a positive note. Even though words may leave our mouths in anger, we have to be stronger and ask ourselves if this is how we want to be remembered. We don't always get second chances only opportunities to learn from others who wish they did.

If you have ever lost someone near and dear to you, I hope this poem reaches you and provides you with a sense of comfort it provided me with while I wrote it.

Where did you go? 

Where did you go?

I can’t seem to find you.

I yelled out the window

and in your room too.

Are you hiding from me?

I can’t find where you’re at.

I listed everywhere you might be

but I got no where with that.

Can you see me right now?

I can’t see you anywhere.

I just keep thinking why and how

and my heart starts to tear.

Do you think this is funny?

I can’t seem to start smiling.

Come out now, it’s just me

I’m trying not to start crying.

Does this mean you’re gone?

I can’t bring myself to understand.

Please, this can’t last too long

this isn’t what I had planned.

Are you coming back?

I can’t do this on my own.

Our lives are so off track

we aren’t meant to be all alone.

Please tell me, where did you go?

I can’t just can’t make myself believe.

Time has frozen in a state of sorrow

happiness has taken leave.

Just tell me this, can you find some kind of bliss

in spite of being so dearly missed?

Are you finding your way

even though I want you to stay?

Are you able to be happy

when all I pray is for you to be here with me?

Please just say, you are on an angel’s wings

watching me as you leave.

Happiness has taken leave,

time has frozen in a state of sorrow.

Days have become indistinguishable,

we have all lost sight of tomorrow.

The earth has ceased rotation,

life has lost its meaning.

Hearts have shattered all around,

we all sleep in hopes of dreaming.

Dense fog has replaced the air,

breaths have become replaced by tears.

The worst has come true,

out of all our fears.

Where did you go? Please just tell me.

I just can’t make myself believe.

Please just say, you are on an angel’s wings

watching me as you leave.

 

To Give You Hope

"There are as many nights as days, and one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness." -Carl Jung

 So many times in our lives we hit a point where we go, "WTF" and cry our eyes out. I know I am only 22, but hear me out. I've watched my grandmothers, mother, friends, younger siblings and myself just ball because of how terrible someone has hurt us. I'm not just saying in a relationship either. What we have to remember is, We can only rise as far as we fall.

While I have a fantastic relationship with my parents now, things were not always so easy when I was growing up, especially in high school. The words of my mother when I was 16 still haunt me. She said, "I wish I would have had an abortion when I had the chance." (side note, I am sure I said something as equally cruel to her and neither of us were in mentally healthy places as we are now). But aside from intent and actuality, we have reality. The reality of the situation to me was- I am my mother's biggest mistake. My heart tore, the dams in my eyes broke and I took off running until the boy I was dating picked me up a mile from my house. It's difficult explaining an emotion you don't fully understand. I had no idea my heart could hurt on that kind of level. It was a new dimension, unimaginable let alone indescribable. The person whom I looked up to the most and had to be greatful for the life I lead didn't want me. I knew my biological father didn't want me. But at least he gave me up before he knew me. She knew me... but at that time she wished she didn't. My father (her husband now who adopted me at age 7) had a similar argument right after I turned 18. I apologize for not being able to share it, because I have spent the last 4 years attempting to block it out of my mind. So family wise, in my mind the two people in my life who hadn't disappointed me and who always made me feel wanted were my grandparents. My grandfather moved me to college after my parents kicked me out. They paid for me to live my junior year when I had no financial means to get a loan. But they too left me hanging high and dry when they scheduled a vacation the day of my college graduation. I reminded them every time I saw them for at least 8 months before the date. I even explained to them how important it was they were there to me. Notta.

I have been hurt by relationships too. When I was a senior in high school I was absolutely infatuated with a boy who made me think nothing could ever go wrong. I was trusting and endearing and naive... he was a year older than I and he cheated on me with his college dorm resident assistant. He described to me as, "doing it like rabbits." What's worse is I even took him back. Oh how hind sight is 20-20. Don't worry though, end the end I left him. Then there was the last guy who, long story short, learned everything about me in a very short period of time and actually had the nerve to use it against me. You don't do that. When someone confides in you and shares a piece of themselves with you that does not mean you own that piece. That means you are privileged enough to learn something so deep about them, by no means is it a right to bring it up as you please. At one his words to me were, "You'll never find anyone. No one could ever love you." Even though he is a psychopath, those words hurt. It's the gut wrenching, end all conversation moments where you feel like the world stops and you start spinning.

I am by no means writing this to ask for you sympathy. I am writing in hopes I will give you something to relate to. I am writing because I want to give you hope. They say all things happen for a reason. I don't know who "they" are, but I have never believed it more than I do right now.

I have found my reason why.

There is a disclaimer. I believe you have to first be able to make yourself happy before you can be happy with someone in a relationship. Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstance. Once you can make peace with the wrong in your life and look for the good, for no other reason than it makes you feel good- then you can attempt a relationship.

That is exactly what I did. I decided I always wanted to move away from Michigan and live in a city. I knew a good friend who had an extra bedroom so I gave her a call and moved to Pittsburgh less than a month later. She helped me get a job. What I didn't realize is the man who stole my breath away my fourth day on the job, would also be the man to steal my heart away.

Don't get me wrong, this relationship terrifies me to pieces. But that's what being vulnerable is about. You never get anywhere unless you take a chance. Especially after this 3-month cancer scare and lung surgery, when he had every chance to say, "See ya later." We've been apart 2-weeks now, which is a very minuscule amount of time, but I can't explain how long it feels. I think it has brought us together more than being together could have though. When you miss someone and see the holes in your daily life from where you want them to be, it's irrevocably love. I have never felt this kind of love. I have always cared for the people I have been in relationships with and up until this point I thought I really did love them. I can see now, I did love them... just not like this. Just as my mother introduced into a horribly other dimension of hate and sadness, my boyfriend has introduced in a level of love and happiness. The worst part is I don't know how to deal with it. I can deal with someone saying something hurtful to me so much easier than I can deal with him saying a sincere comment like, "It upsets me so much other people in your life have hurt you."

I thought some poor old bastard made up the phrase, "you complete me." I have spent a lot of time mocking it. Well shit, guess I have my foot in my mouth. My weaknesses are his strengths. When I am unable to be myself he steps in and helps me without me having to ask. He listens, he tries to understand (try being the operative word sometimes, haha), he appreciates me in my entirety, he wants me... nothing more, nothing less, just me. I feel more loved, more cared about, more appreciated and more secure now than at any other point in my life I can remember. I can say honestly I am more than greatful for the obstacles I have had to overcome in my life because I would not be able to appreciate who he is and how he makes me feel if I hadn't gone through them.

I'm not saying you have to believe me about all of this, because I know you will experience it in your own time. Once you do, you can send me a "you were right" note and that will suffice. All I want is for people to remain optimistic and believe in themselves.

You can only receive what deem yourself as worthy of receiving.

You only get one life, so believe you deserve everything in the way of happiness and that you are above settling for anything less. There will be hard days, no doubt, but just like a thunderstorm it will pass and there will be rays of sunlight to follow. However, there will only be a rainbow if you believe you are lucky enough to see it. So if you've seen a rainbow, than you in fact are lucky and deserve the best.

A Little Unsure

Today's been a weird day so far. I had to drive my best friend back to the train station. Held back some tears :( How do you go from seeing someone every day for 4 years to hopefully talking to them every couple weeks? You know they care, duh... she booked a trip to come see me because of my surgery. But you wish there was more time in the day because you want to go back to the time when you talked every day :( I suppose this is the instance where we have to stay positive and know we are lucky to have such great friends that would travel states to just be with you. I hope everyone out there as at least one person they know they could call and in a heart beat they would be there. I am blessed to say I have a handful of friends that would do this. Remember friends are the family we get to choose.

My nausea came back today. I am not sure if it is the nerve blockers they have me on or the fact my father found it necessary to light our wood stove and overheat the living room... March madness may also have something to do with it. I love an exciting game, but damn does every game have to come down to the last 2 minutes?!

On a completely different note, do you ever just get into a 'Why?' mood? I am trying not to get sucked in, but I am just so confused about everything. I feel like I should be doing a lot with my life in general. I am a college graduate, yet I work as a breakfast server. I know I could blame the economy or a million other things, but honestly I feel like there are jobs out there for people who are looking hard enough. So why am I not looking? Why am I letting myself live without intention? I suppose there isn't a lot I can do before I fully recover, but still doesn't seem like an excuse.

What's worse is I don't want to make any real commitments to my life in Pittsburgh because there's a chance my boyfriend could go into border patrol and end up in Tuscon. Which would be fantastic for him, the scary part... I'm considering going with him if he has to move. But that's crazy right? We haven't been together that long so how can you justify it? To the same extent but opposite side, who would I have to justify it to? It's my life. I make the decisions. I have nothing to lose going, so why not? Then I start to think, why am I even worrying about this because it might not happen! Ah! He could get a job in the city and if he does that, then I have only wasted time. The scary part is, I don't want to make a huge mistake. I have dated some real duesch bags (for lack of a better word) and I don't want to move have way across the US to figure this out. I know he isn't though, he's unlike anything I've experienced. Which sounds so scripted, right? It's true though.

Ugh...sometimes I think I think too much. To quote Lauren Conrad, "Everyone's past relationships have been bad, that's why they ended." So all we can do is put ourselves out there and deal with what is at hand.

Give Us A Break... kit kats don't count

If there is a specific amount of "shit" you are suppose to deal with in your life, I think I am reaching the quota! That's positive... right?

So Saturday night my bf's car was totaled. Isn't that nice? Someone driving a moving truck backed into it and drove off into the sunset. Side note- I hit a car trying to parallel park about 2 months ago, broke his tail light. So...I got a piece of paper and wrote down all of my information and put it on his windshield. Let's call this a responsibility initiative.

Back on track, conveniently my car is back in the 'Burgh (is that really what people say?) so at least he has something to cruise around in til I get back. But seriously? I am terrified for what happens next. But hopefully he'll find a good car at a good price and soon.

As for everyone else please note:

How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours.

A Month of Silence

No news is not always good news. I had lung surgery on March 4th.

I am sorry it has taken so long to write.

So many words went through my mind when I realized I had to have surgery. Let's face it- if it's not one excuse it's another. But honestly this has been the hardest month of my life. Not only did I feel like I was going to die, but I just felt alone.

Good news is, the tumor is out! Was it cancer? Wtf knows... seriously. Well they "don't think" it was it is. That's nice... but there is solid good news. Every person who has had this type of tumor and had it removed has never had it return. While I tend to be the anomaly, I'd prefer to think I can be the majority of never.

What it is also amazing is how much support I have had. My best friends from Cali and Illinois have or are traveling to see me. My boyfriend has driven back and forth from PA to be there on the day of my surgery as well as a 2-day trip. I am so greatful for all of them.

I am making a twitter account as well so any who would like to keep up with my thoughts can follow me there. It'll be @Backwoods_Belle

At this point, all we can do is say well done to what we've made it through, thank you for what we have, and here we go for what lies ahead. Sometimes we spend too much of our time fighting time, instead of just accepting it and moving on. Robert Frost said in three words he could sum up life, "It goes on."

So this is the going on part... hope you stay part of the journey :)