Selfishly Unfair

I feel bad blogging about this but I am not quite sure who to say what to. I feel like absolute hell. I find out if I have cancer tomorrow and I couldn't even tell my own boyfriend I wanted him here for me tonight. The worst part is, I kinda hoped he'd just know....and you can't get mad at someone because you hoped they'd just know.

I am so angry and upset. Then I feel so completely silly because what if the tests come back negative. So even though I may have to have lung surgery I don't even need radiation. OMG- I wish I was able to comprehend my own thoughts right now. I want to crawl into a hole and only come out if someone can guarantee me positive news. I feel SO SELFISH! I am a freaking mess and I should be concentrating on the fact there could be positive news. But all I can think is what if it's negative. What if the doctor calls and I have cancer? ...fuck. Then I feel even worse because if I get a phone call and I don't have cancer then I have just wasted everyone's time.

I can't imagine the number of people in the world that feel this way on a daily basis. On top of that I cannot imagine how people feel who have cancer. I feel terrible for even trying to understand because I don't think anyone can understand how I feel and I can't understand how they feel.

Is it bad for expecting my boyfriend to make plans with me tonight? To be there for me? He is absolutely amazing and would do anything for me but he couldn't figure out that I would want him with me tonight? All I want to do is go home. I can hear him from the other room and I just want to close my eyes and be someone else. He has his friends over and granted if I would have told him they wouldn't be here but I didn't want to have to tell to him. Again, I just wanted him to know. I feel so bad writing anything negative, because like I said he is amazing. He just sat in here and talked to me about all of it, and I know he feels bad- but it just doesn't seem to cut it. Hearing him act like nothing wrong kills me as much as me pretending nothing is wrong.

Holy shit, what if I have cancer? No it's not the end of the world. But I've never smoked so why the hell do I potentially have lung cancer? I've already had heart problems, kidney problems and dealt with being adopted by my dad... really, throw this on top? What a fucking cherry.

Oh how contradicting I feel. Maybe one of the worst feelings in the world, nothing that I feel is right...in any capacity. Maybe I should sleep it off. Whatever. I am so angry and hurt, I don't have words to explain.

Anyone with advice, please help. SOS