Should I have known? He cheated. Apparently he was selfish enough to tell me too. It was enough that he broke my heart, but it was so deep inside him and bothered him so much he had to tell me to get it off his chest. He could have just let me heal and known what he had done ruined us.
Thursday was such a rough day. This is when he told me everything. I didn't even know what to say. I was completely traumatized. I actually said, "it's ok." I even thanked him for telling me. BULLSHIT. HORSESHIT. There is no thank you from me - honestly, he should have let that ruin him to the core. He also thinks he has nothing to prove to me and that I just should just know he loves me. Really? How is that. Your actions speak that you don't give a damn about me or my feelings. I explained to you how important commitment was and how black and white cheating is and you just threw it all away.
You decided I was not worth enough to preserve.
You decided tasting another girl was worth more than everything I stood for.
And now you want to tell me you love me. Oh how delusional you are.
You are a selfish sun of a bitch who wouldn't know love if it bit you in the ass.
You miss me. You are damn right you do.
You took me for granite.
But not just me, my love, my presence, my support, my existence in your life.
I would ask how you could do such a thing, but clearly your actions speak to who you are as a person.
Lies flow through your teeth as smooth as compliments.
As you lay awake at night - it's your actions that will haunt you.
If you try to convince yourself what you did was ok - good luck.
You'll never find peace with what you have done.
My heart is broken over a dream I thought was coming true before my eyes. I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. It is hard to find peace but I am just glad that I will be able to.
It certainly doesn't help that I am sick today. I would absolutely to have someone take care of me and put their fingers through my hair. Unfortunately, I made my theraflu by myself and here I sit all alone. I have so much pain but I have to remember the present and where we were at when we ended. So tonight I went through my Facebook photos and removed all of the ones we were together in. It sounds so trivial - but it was difficult. Of course as you look at the past all you see is happiness and joy. It is so hard but I guess this is how we move on. It is so difficult when all I want is to still be loved. Still belong to someone. To be wanted. To be cared for. To be truly loved.
I did hear a quote today that I liked so I wanted to share it with whoever may read this:
"No matter how angry you are you should never throw away a gift given out of love."
The end of my post, Nothing Can Comfort a Broken Heart, there was a list of constructive ways to release emotions. I am unsure if this has helped anyone, or quite honestly if anyone has ever actually read this. In an attempt to stay as busy as possible, it is difficult continuing to write everything down that I want to. If you are reading this, please feel free at any time to give me feedback. I am about to lay everything out on the line, for better or worse what I can I do than be honest.
Wednesday night was so difficult. I cried so much and felt I couldn't stop. I happened to meet someone (we'll call him B1) about 3 weeks who is from a town I used to live in and conveniently enough ended up talking/texting with them. On Thursday night he invited me out to a bar I used to frequent with my ex...(I hate typing/saying the word "ex" so I will refer to him as EBF/exboyfriend). I decided after work the first appearance there would be the hardest and well, shit, why not go. So I did. After having a stiff drink and I started to loosen up B1 and his roommate were a lot of fun. After 3 drinks, I realized I would not be able to make it home. Of course you cannot help but feel guilty because I have extremely black and white feelings about cheating - but truth was EBF broke up with me. He broke my heart. I no longer have a loyalty to him. I really was tired of crying and the familiarity of B1 was comforting. It also helped he was just dumped so I felt like there was common ground. So long story short I decided to go back home with him. I REFUSE to sleep with one after one night or have a one night stand, but we hung out and joked around and I genuinely felt OK. It was nice. Then when bed time came... I did kiss him. It was never the plan all along but something about him (and probably not wanting to feel sad anymore) let me do it. I enjoyed it intensely. We absolutely did not lose articles of clothing... but it was still so nice to have my mind some where else.
I have the issue of being an over thinker though. I also really like having someone you can call and hang out with. Someone you can go out with whenever and call it good. I felt like because we have similar backgrounds, thing "make sense." It was one of those ah-ha moments. ...except based on the current situation, there is no ah-ha about it. In the morning we woke up and it was totally not awkward and I was still feeling OK. When we walked down to find my car it had been towed...WTF. I am so not joking. So he had to take the bus to campus, which I felt bad about, but really my car was towed. How bad could I really feel?
So that morning we text and maybe 6-7 messages in he just stopped responding. We were supposed to go out Friday night with someone else we both knew, and so about 6:45 Friday night I text him again, and said, "Hey, you still wanna go out tonight." Nothing... nothing ever since. AH! No joke - I want to be the person that says NO. I want to be the person that doesn't respond. But most of all... I just want my thoughts to coincide with the future sometimes, haha. I have to stop setting expectations. But how? This super annoys me.
So how do I make sense of this now. Then I realized, there is no making sense. I am sure the majority of the world knows this. But slowly I will realize. People are going to do what they are going to do. I can only control myself. Not going to lie this sucks. So what if I want to rebound? Well I have to remember going into it, even though we have ties to the hometown - it does not mean our feelings coincide at all. For all I know he go together with his ex-gf. Whatever. The next place I enter is whether or not the bartender with tell my EBF I was there with another guy... and quite frankly I hope somehow he finds out. I want him to text me and tell me how could I? What was I thinking? Or some other bullshit thing. Because all I want to say to him is -
"THIS WAS YOUR DECISION! YOU BROKE MY HEART! I was 100% faithful to you and wanted to be with you and only you. Since you broke my heart you have NO CLAIM TO ME. NO RIGHT TO JUDGE ME. NO RIGHT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT ME."
Ugh...so as far as being constructive goes... today was day 2 of running. I ran yesterday. I have a ton of steps to go down... which makes it more challenging, but hey. When I cramped up I also pretended I was purging EBF. Funny story... I didn't cramp today. I ran a couple miles too. By knows mean I am totally in shape, especially since my lung surgery. I have decided to make running my boyfriend though. I want to look forward to it and commit to it. I am unsure if this is actually healthy or not yet, but at least I am doing something. Also a little fun fact, you cannot run and cry at the same time.
I am going to end this post with the song I am currently obsessed with. It is gives me positive energy, maybe it will for you too.
The tears won't stop pouring down my face
This wave of emotion keeps crashing against my soul
The pain of heartbreak is worse than any physical damage
The feelings of every feeling are exhausting and draining
I'm so sad about what I thought we had
About what I feel like we have lost
I'm sad when I remember the good
Because I feel like I've been lied to and I believed it.
I'm so angry you are doing this to me.
How long have you not wanted to be with?
How could you hurt me so badly
How can you appear this doesn't affect you at all?
I'm so scared its all my fault
I feel like I could or should have done something
I am scared not to have you
Not to depend on you
Not to support you
Not to have your support
I'm so scared to go sleep
If I dream about you
My heart will break all over again in the morning
I'm scared you're finding someone else right now
I'm scared you never did love me
The only thing I want right now is you
Is your arms to wrap around me
You to make me feel like I'm ok without a word
Comfort in your presence and love in your touch
All I want is the one thing that's making me feel this way.
I'm not even sure if I want to not hurt...
Because if I don't hurt anymore
I won't have any attachment to you.
