Drama vs Trauma

My dad called me dramatic not that long ago and that comment stuck with me terribly... Didn't realize it was my life's way of foreshadowing...

When I first saw the counselor she asked why I was there basically. I told her I need to learn coping skills and how to communicate because it is going to cost me my relationship with my partner as well as other important people in my life. A rather diplomatic answer. Basically what I told her when I emailed her after I first found her. I also told her I had a traumatic past, but I didn't use the word traumatic with the meaning it now has. We asked me to tell her a little about my life...

I grew up and I was always the good kid. I helped take care of my sister, my brother... Whatever needed to be done. I always knew my parents used me against the other but somehow I stopped it from bothering me. "Counselor Lady (for privacy) or CL" said this is when I kicked into survival mode. I had a fight or flight mode, I probably still do. In order to bear everyone from some of the details, I told her how my mom told me after a long fight she wished she would of had an abortion when she had the chance and how my parents reported me as a runaway after they told me to leave. How my dad finally found me and tried to leave me in a psych ER... When I say I was a good kid, this was the conversation between the social worker and my dad...


"Let's try to figure out the problem here tonight... Does your daughter break curfew?"

No she doesn't have a curfew because we always decide on a good time for her to be home depending on what she is doing...

"Does she come back late?"

No.

"Does your daughter drink?"

No.

"Does she use drugs?"

Absolutely not.

"Ok, sir what's the worst thing your daughter has ever done...?"

I'm not exactly sure what you mean.

"You brought her down here tonight because she is being non-compliant and I am trying to determine why you feel this way. What is the worst thing you can think of your daughter doing?"

Well a couple of weeks ago she talked on her cell phone while she was driving.

[crickets]

Me - "which was justified because I was at a red light and my friend needed a ride because he totaled his car and needed to make it for his calc exam. It was 1 mile out of my way total."

Doesn't matter, you shouldn't have done it.

[social worker looked at me] I am so sorry for the lack of love in your family.



She then proceeded to tell my dad she couldn't admit me based on his reasoning. He argued with her until he tried to leave me. At that point he was threatened with child neglect and I had to go with him...great. The next day my took me to a half way house where I was with kids 2-4 years younger than me who used drugs, drank and basically did all of the "bad" things I didn't. I was there for 2 weeks until right before Christmas.

[The worst part is about all of the stories like this is I love my parents so I never want anyone to speak ill of them. I realize they were not good to me before, but this is a glimpse of the terrible. I love them and we have a better relationship now.]

I told her a few other stories, none including physical or sexual abuse, but CL finally said to me, it sounds like you've had a lot of trauma in your past. Something about the wording of that sentence forever changed the way I look at the word traumatic. CL went on to say how she thinks my instincts kicked in when I was in the action but now I still have a lot of unresolved trauma. What happens she said, is I can find myself in other situations, minor ones, where something happens that links me to my traumatic experience and I link it together and try to deal with the trauma through this minor situation.

Interesting.

So, she said, you are a survivor that is clear. What we have to do is make you an authentic survivor. I am certainly a survivor. That is how I was raised without a doubt. I knew I had dealt with some of my issues, but I never considered the fact I may subconsciously attempt to deal with these problems in every day situations. So these every day situations are dramatic because I am unknowingly filtering situations with emotions twice the magnitude. It started to make sense.

She asked me if I was ready to work all of these problems out. It is going to be hard and there are going to be a lot of feelings running around. I am really scared I won't lie. What I do know is I am more scared of what I will lose if I don't do this.