Nothing Can Comfort A Broken Heart

No matter what anyone says or does, it will not unbreak your heart. The cold reality is the pain you feel as your heart shatters into pieces hurts your soul. No matter how you play the scene of your break-up it doesn't change the now, which HURTS. Yes one day it won't feel this poorly, but unlike everyone else I will not lie to you, NOTHING will make you feel better while your heart is broken.

This was the one picture I felt depicted how I feel.

If you have ever had a broken heart you know the worst part is the flashbacks. In a split second you are back in a memory that warms your heart and then rebreaks it. The emotional moment is nearly as bad as the realization your partner doesn't really love you. I was sitting at work today when my phone buzzed for a text message when I realized how much I looked forward to getting a text him. It is the simple, little moments you realize filled your life and your heart. That's the problem, your heart becomes so filled that when its shattered you are just breaking the mold - you are literally bleeding love. (I did not intend to reference the song here, haha - guess it's true.)

I won't lie - this blog might just be a way for me to vent for a while. I am sorry if it depresses you, I just don't know any other way to get out what I am feeling. My natural route is to try and push all feelings as far away as I can. As I am learning in counseling this is one of the most unhealthy ways to deal with emotions.

I just want to cry. I don't know what else to do. The pain I feel is so raw and immediate. It comes to me in waves. Sometimes I have a memory in mind that makes me sad, and then other times my tears just well up and I want to disappear into a cave of the past. I want to be in his warm, defined arms. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to feel loved and cared about. I want to not be in this situation. Unfortunately, all of these wants are perpetuated disappointment. I was told today not to beat myself up because the only way I am going to really get through this is to feel. I don't want to feel. That's the truth.

No one wants their heart broken, this we can agree on. However, how do you mend a broken heart? To be honest I am not entirely sure, but I am going to document it every step of the way, so if you are looking to heal your heart please follow and comment, sometimes it's nice to know you aren't alone.


Today's First Step:
Make a list of healthy coping alternatives:

• Watching a movie
• Going for a run
• Writing in my journal
• Cleaning...but not too much, haha
• Organizing and planning for my non-profit
• Playing with my cat
• Reading? ...not love stories
• coming up with new hobbies...

It is ok to cry for a little while, but I can't be consumed. 

My Heart Hurts

In the loneliness place of despair
I am still lying to myself
Nothing has changed...
I am still wanted and loved.

As a nose extends with a lie
My heart beats with stronger definition
As if it is trying to warn me of self deception
But honestly I don't want to see.

There was a time of inclusion and need
Where I was wrapped in strong arms of love
Doubt was but a theory of nonexistence
Joy was found in the simplicity of being together.

My life was full of anticipation and excitement
There was nothing more to be added to a moment
The smiles couldn't extend further on our faces
Our moments together were raw passion.

I find myself in a constant blur of emotions
Wondering if there will be a we when the dust settles.
My heart is pulled in opposite directions
Pleading for peace, needing love to survive.

My brain is stronger than my heart
I can overrule the reality of my heart's despair
I can live in an imaginary world of love
That existed in the recent past, I think.

The Perpetrator, The Victim & The Rescuer

My life was summarized into three characters last week. I have been taking time to reflect on this and I wonder how many people can actually relate. It is clear through my posts my parents and I did not always get along well while I was growing up, but this analogy also defined our relationship. In any given situation I was playing one of these roles, and also eliciting someone else to be playing one of these roles.

The Perpetrator
As the perp you typically and instigating some type of negative reaction. Whether it is innocent or perceived as correct, the reaction to your behavior is also aggressive. I would be the perpetrator at times to my parents and say things to my dad about how he treated my brother or sister - or really butt into a conversation I didn't belong until I made him uncomfortable and he became the victim. This would then elicit my mom acting as the rescuer to protect him from me or even from my siblings if at this point they ganged up on him.
 
The Victim
The victim is attacked by the perp and often left feeling helpless. Just recently I went to my parent's house and I became the victim. My mom has MS and my dad basically see me as the cause. My mom will go further and do more with me than she normally would and then when I leave she is really worn down and it takes her a while to recover. Unfortunately, I cannot control my mother's actions and since all my dad sees is it taking a toll on her he treats me poorly or verbally attacks me for doing enough for my mom. I feel defenseless and guilty because I never want to make my mom's MS worse.

The Rescuer
As the rescuer you are protecting the victim for the perp and taking on more responsibility and fault of action than you should. In the above analogy my mom would turn into the rescuer because she would defend me against my dad.

All in all, none of the roles are healthy. 

This role-play has become such a habitual part of my interactions, I find myself eliciting these same characters with my boyfriend. I may ask him to come over after he's had a long day and rather than being understanding I find myself acting as the perp. I start to hound him to the point I start to make him feel guilty. Once he feels guilty and I have turned him into the victim and I apologize and offer to go to his house and become the rescuer. This entire time, all I could have done is offer to go to his house because he always comes to my house. Same end point, two vastly different routes.

It is so crazy because you can easily become engulfed in any of these roles. You can also elicit these roles without thinking about it. I know one of the struggles of a woman is to say what I mean and mean what I say. If I want you to come over, I may tell you to stay home; if you ask me if I want you to come over, I may tell you it doesn't matter. No sense.

Vulnerability is an intense emotion however. It is also very difficult to experience and deal with trauma appropriately. I have made a habit of only presenting myself in three different lights, when in reality this has nothing to do with how I actually feel or what I actually want. Why is it so difficult to say what I actually want? Because I don't want to get hurt. Not by my parents, my boyfriend, my friends or even a damn stranger.

This is going to be a crazy journey and while CL has made it clear she doesn't expect me to change this immediately, she does want me to start paying attention to situations where this could or does arise... It has been 6 days since I last went to see her and after briefly flipping through my past, I cannot come up with one memory in which these roles did not play a prominent part.

So do me a favor and ask yourself, are you acting or eliciting people to ask as a perpetrator, victim or rescuer in your life? Once you start noticing, you begin looking at situations with a whole new perspective.

Relationships are like sand held in your hand...

Everyone - or maybe the majority of people know the analogy of relationships being like sand held in your hand. If you pour sand into your hand and squeeze it to no end, no matter what you do it will dwindle away, leaving you with nothing. Much like if you suffocate your partner in a relationship by hounding them about what they are doing, where they are going... slowly you are going to start losing them.

When you pour the sand in your hand and let it sit there, with care it will stay put. When you trust your partner and give them the benefit of the doubt you will find they won't stray away.

I feel so much like I am losing the most important person in my life and it is SO hard keeping my hand open. We were supposed to be together tonight (right now) because all I want is to watch the fireworks. However, he is out and voiced to me he really just wanted to stay out with the guys and whomever. I offered to go down and he said he would meet me somewhere but the anger in his voice made me realize how badly he didn't want to do it. He said, I feel like I can't ever do my own thing. When I finally said, OK I can be understanding. I am just put off because I really looked forward to tonight, but I get that sometimes you just want to do your stuff. His anger lessened, I actually don't feel as anxious as I suspected. Our phone disconnected and it took a while to get it back - but then he said I love you so much and he sounded so genuine. I really hope he has a good time and I am not mad. I realize I have a long way to go to be a good partner and I just hope I haven't screwed up the one relationship I want to truly work. As long as I do everything I think I can do and am the best person I can be though, no one can ask for more. Right now my bf needs space and as much as I have a hard time dealing with it, I have to be supportive and understanding. I am scared, but what good does scared do.

What will happen, will happen. Not a whole lot more to it.

Drama vs Trauma

My dad called me dramatic not that long ago and that comment stuck with me terribly... Didn't realize it was my life's way of foreshadowing...

When I first saw the counselor she asked why I was there basically. I told her I need to learn coping skills and how to communicate because it is going to cost me my relationship with my partner as well as other important people in my life. A rather diplomatic answer. Basically what I told her when I emailed her after I first found her. I also told her I had a traumatic past, but I didn't use the word traumatic with the meaning it now has. We asked me to tell her a little about my life...

I grew up and I was always the good kid. I helped take care of my sister, my brother... Whatever needed to be done. I always knew my parents used me against the other but somehow I stopped it from bothering me. "Counselor Lady (for privacy) or CL" said this is when I kicked into survival mode. I had a fight or flight mode, I probably still do. In order to bear everyone from some of the details, I told her how my mom told me after a long fight she wished she would of had an abortion when she had the chance and how my parents reported me as a runaway after they told me to leave. How my dad finally found me and tried to leave me in a psych ER... When I say I was a good kid, this was the conversation between the social worker and my dad...


"Let's try to figure out the problem here tonight... Does your daughter break curfew?"

No she doesn't have a curfew because we always decide on a good time for her to be home depending on what she is doing...

"Does she come back late?"

No.

"Does your daughter drink?"

No.

"Does she use drugs?"

Absolutely not.

"Ok, sir what's the worst thing your daughter has ever done...?"

I'm not exactly sure what you mean.

"You brought her down here tonight because she is being non-compliant and I am trying to determine why you feel this way. What is the worst thing you can think of your daughter doing?"

Well a couple of weeks ago she talked on her cell phone while she was driving.

[crickets]

Me - "which was justified because I was at a red light and my friend needed a ride because he totaled his car and needed to make it for his calc exam. It was 1 mile out of my way total."

Doesn't matter, you shouldn't have done it.

[social worker looked at me] I am so sorry for the lack of love in your family.



She then proceeded to tell my dad she couldn't admit me based on his reasoning. He argued with her until he tried to leave me. At that point he was threatened with child neglect and I had to go with him...great. The next day my took me to a half way house where I was with kids 2-4 years younger than me who used drugs, drank and basically did all of the "bad" things I didn't. I was there for 2 weeks until right before Christmas.

[The worst part is about all of the stories like this is I love my parents so I never want anyone to speak ill of them. I realize they were not good to me before, but this is a glimpse of the terrible. I love them and we have a better relationship now.]

I told her a few other stories, none including physical or sexual abuse, but CL finally said to me, it sounds like you've had a lot of trauma in your past. Something about the wording of that sentence forever changed the way I look at the word traumatic. CL went on to say how she thinks my instincts kicked in when I was in the action but now I still have a lot of unresolved trauma. What happens she said, is I can find myself in other situations, minor ones, where something happens that links me to my traumatic experience and I link it together and try to deal with the trauma through this minor situation.

Interesting.

So, she said, you are a survivor that is clear. What we have to do is make you an authentic survivor. I am certainly a survivor. That is how I was raised without a doubt. I knew I had dealt with some of my issues, but I never considered the fact I may subconsciously attempt to deal with these problems in every day situations. So these every day situations are dramatic because I am unknowingly filtering situations with emotions twice the magnitude. It started to make sense.

She asked me if I was ready to work all of these problems out. It is going to be hard and there are going to be a lot of feelings running around. I am really scared I won't lie. What I do know is I am more scared of what I will lose if I don't do this.

When it rains it pours...

It's all about consistency which I clearly have not even demonstrated in this blog. I wanted to capture the moments of my life that are so frustrating and mystifying in one place where other people could read and relate. So far I have not succeeded...obviously.

I just started trying to change my life though so maybe this is my time to committ. All I can do is try to change. I just had a huge moment where I thought I was going to lose the most important person to me. The worst part is it is my fault. I have horrible communication styles when it comes to relationships. I creat unwanted drama and get frustrated by my own actions. God not knows how frustrating I must be to someone else. So I started counseling. I've known for a while I've needed t go but there is such a negative stigma attached it which is such bull. No matter what stereotypes surround it though, I know if I don't find a way to change, I'm going to ruin my life. Consistency isn't always good when it's associated with bad behavior.

So maybe I'll write about my counseling sessions and if you have thought about going or just might be afraid, this may give you some insight.