I feel bad blogging about this but I am not quite sure who to say what to. I feel like absolute hell. I find out if I have cancer tomorrow and I couldn't even tell my own boyfriend I wanted him here for me tonight. The worst part is, I kinda hoped he'd just know....and you can't get mad at someone because you hoped they'd just know.
I am so angry and upset. Then I feel so completely silly because what if the tests come back negative. So even though I may have to have lung surgery I don't even need radiation. OMG- I wish I was able to comprehend my own thoughts right now. I want to crawl into a hole and only come out if someone can guarantee me positive news. I feel SO SELFISH! I am a freaking mess and I should be concentrating on the fact there could be positive news. But all I can think is what if it's negative. What if the doctor calls and I have cancer? ...fuck. Then I feel even worse because if I get a phone call and I don't have cancer then I have just wasted everyone's time.
I can't imagine the number of people in the world that feel this way on a daily basis. On top of that I cannot imagine how people feel who have cancer. I feel terrible for even trying to understand because I don't think anyone can understand how I feel and I can't understand how they feel.
Is it bad for expecting my boyfriend to make plans with me tonight? To be there for me? He is absolutely amazing and would do anything for me but he couldn't figure out that I would want him with me tonight? All I want to do is go home. I can hear him from the other room and I just want to close my eyes and be someone else. He has his friends over and granted if I would have told him they wouldn't be here but I didn't want to have to tell to him. Again, I just wanted him to know. I feel so bad writing anything negative, because like I said he is amazing. He just sat in here and talked to me about all of it, and I know he feels bad- but it just doesn't seem to cut it. Hearing him act like nothing wrong kills me as much as me pretending nothing is wrong.
Holy shit, what if I have cancer? No it's not the end of the world. But I've never smoked so why the hell do I potentially have lung cancer? I've already had heart problems, kidney problems and dealt with being adopted by my dad... really, throw this on top? What a fucking cherry.
Oh how contradicting I feel. Maybe one of the worst feelings in the world, nothing that I feel is right...in any capacity. Maybe I should sleep it off. Whatever. I am so angry and hurt, I don't have words to explain.
Anyone with advice, please help. SOS
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Productively unproductive
I think one of the worst...no the worst thing in life is the unknown. No matter how hard reality may be, as long as you know what's going on you are able to move forward.
So moral of this story...the doctor's office didn't call today. I was really hoping to know the results from my biopsy. And while I knew there was a big possibility I wouldn't know until next week, it isn't comforting in the slightest. On the bright side I've made a decision to force it out of my mind. In my opinion, every aspect of life is a result of a decision you've made. You always have a choice, no matter the situation. Based on my theory then, my choices are one- think about "what if" while obsessively checking my phone for the next few days, or two; realize no matter what the news I'll find a way to get through so I should try to concentrate on something else to take my mind of it.
Somehow cleaning was the decision I made. My apartment looks AMAZING let me tell you. I vaccuumed, scrubbed and washed down the counters, stove, toaster oven, floors, dishes and sink. Then I moved to the bathroom where I managed to find a way to utilize 3 different cleaners, 2 different types of scrub pads as well as the old faithful windex and paper towel. Plus the toilet scrubber. Please note my bathroom is about the size of a hotel elevator, so be impressed. Then after I cleaned in between each tile and washed the shower organizer I decided my room needed to be rearranged. Now I should probably be abiding to my weight restrictions but I am so tired if not being able to do anything by myself so I thought rearranging my room might be a good way for me to boost my esteem.
Ha...well its almost 1am, I finally finished and I have to be at work at 6am. Which choice was the bad decision now...it does feel nice to have my room switched around. I find it comforting my lung didn't collapse or develop a numathorax as a result. I was texting myself, I won't lie.
But here I am, in the state of limbo. I kinda feel like I am trying to find Carmen Santiago and I can't get closer than two steps behind. Only time will tell. Words of wisdom, this too shall pass.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The next day....
So it's the day after my biopsy, which OMG...it hurt so bad. There were 2 key components that made the biopsy absolutely unbearable. The first is they have you lay on this long skinny bed going into the CT machine on your side. I layer down at about 11am with my arms over my head and my legs on top of one another and then couldn't move a muscle until about 145. My left should felt like it was going to burn through to tomorrow and my knees were in so much pain on top of one another, not to mention they lay at least 10lbs of lead on top of them. Ugh. So then without sedation they gave me around 5-8 shots of lidocaine in my back but each shot went deeper than the first so they hurt more and more instead of less and less.
So the second part that killed was the actual biopsy. Since you can't move and can hardly breath the put this small tube in your back, between your ribs and in through your lung. Then they put this needle in through that and stab at the tumor. Holy shit, it hurt so bad. Once the needle is in the tumor they start to bounce it up and down trying to gather samples of the tissue but it feel like he was dribbling a needle in and out of my back. He did this 5 freaking times! The last time of which he used a 20 gauge needle. AH! I couldn't move or breathe when they were finished yesterday. Every single motion instigated a monstrosity of pain. I almost sneezed but somehow managed go keep it in because I'm pretty sure it would have killed me.
So now I guess we sit and wait for the results. I am def better today but still hurt. I feel at such a loss because I still don't know anything and part of me feels like the doctors arent going to have any feedback because the PA doing the biopsy said he pulled the same kinda cells the first 4 times. I still don't know what I'd do if they told me its cancer, puts me at a loss for words. The quote getting me through right now is from Leo Buscaglia again that says, "Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it just saps its joy from today."
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Just breath & Little acts of kindness
So I got into a heated conversation with my mother last night. Why do people constantly exhaust the question what if?
What if the results confirm its cancer? What if I have to go through treatment? What if the world stops fucking turning and we all die? ...that's how I feel. I will be the first to admit I am definitely a planner. I like to know when things are going to happen and if I am not sure I will make them happen. I like to be in control. This often complicates my love life. But what am I suppose to do in this situation? Sit around and plan out what I am going to do for every possible outcome? Ridiculous. If this really is cancer and I have to have treatment I am going to be dealing with it for the rest of my life, so why should spend the next two weeks obsessing over it?
But whatever, I get that she is worried and cares and has the best of intentions. Here is the kicker, she asked me if I am ok burdening K (roommate) and R (boyfriend) with this and the doctor's appointments? ...really- what an awful way to look at it. She wants me to move back to her house which is 5 hours away and leave my life behind. First of all I am extremely lucky to have a friend who cares as much as she does and a boyfriend who would never consider me a burden. Don't get me wrong, I really wonder if I putting too much on either of them but all I can do is live my life and if they can't handle what is going on I know they would tell me. I still feel guilty...but you can only do so much you know?
So instead of boring you with a fight that I am basically over I will switch the topic. Little acts of kindness. It was Leo Buscaglia who said, "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
I try to live by this motto. You have no idea what a small passing glance with a smile can do for someone's day. Even more surprising, doing good makes you feel good. Ha, what- no way?! (sarcasm....yes) Something I have done since the time I was little is lay pennies on the ground heads up. I figure there are too many people that pick them up and not enough people to lay them down. My hopes is someone will look down and this simple 1-cent piece will make someone smile. Everyone likes to smile.
Today in the mail I got a few cards from people who have no idea how much I appreciate them. Out of respect I will leave it at that. But please remember what you do makes a difference so make sure that difference is good.
I hope this doesn't seem like a lecture. Just a reminder.
What if the results confirm its cancer? What if I have to go through treatment? What if the world stops fucking turning and we all die? ...that's how I feel. I will be the first to admit I am definitely a planner. I like to know when things are going to happen and if I am not sure I will make them happen. I like to be in control. This often complicates my love life. But what am I suppose to do in this situation? Sit around and plan out what I am going to do for every possible outcome? Ridiculous. If this really is cancer and I have to have treatment I am going to be dealing with it for the rest of my life, so why should spend the next two weeks obsessing over it?
But whatever, I get that she is worried and cares and has the best of intentions. Here is the kicker, she asked me if I am ok burdening K (roommate) and R (boyfriend) with this and the doctor's appointments? ...really- what an awful way to look at it. She wants me to move back to her house which is 5 hours away and leave my life behind. First of all I am extremely lucky to have a friend who cares as much as she does and a boyfriend who would never consider me a burden. Don't get me wrong, I really wonder if I putting too much on either of them but all I can do is live my life and if they can't handle what is going on I know they would tell me. I still feel guilty...but you can only do so much you know?
So instead of boring you with a fight that I am basically over I will switch the topic. Little acts of kindness. It was Leo Buscaglia who said, "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
I try to live by this motto. You have no idea what a small passing glance with a smile can do for someone's day. Even more surprising, doing good makes you feel good. Ha, what- no way?! (sarcasm....yes) Something I have done since the time I was little is lay pennies on the ground heads up. I figure there are too many people that pick them up and not enough people to lay them down. My hopes is someone will look down and this simple 1-cent piece will make someone smile. Everyone likes to smile.
Today in the mail I got a few cards from people who have no idea how much I appreciate them. Out of respect I will leave it at that. But please remember what you do makes a difference so make sure that difference is good.
I hope this doesn't seem like a lecture. Just a reminder.
Friday, February 11, 2011
More excitement than you or I were ready for
Well, I thought this blog would be more like a hobby, but I am beginning to think it may be more like therapy. So if you ever wondered what other people may say to a counselor I guess you should keep reading...
I guess a good way to start this post is by telling you what happened. On Tuesday of this week I was told a malignant tumor is alive and growing inside of my right lung- by definition it is cancer then. Wow. What. Really? I have never smoked except for maybe 3 or 4 cigarettes during my rebellious adolescent period. What about the people that smoke a pack a day or week or even in a lifetime? What do I say to people? What do people say to me? Fuck. That's how I feel.
But I should feel lucky. I say this because the only reason this tumor was discovered is because I went to the hospital with terrible back pain exactly a month ago today. I was in so much pain it hurt to breath, move, talk, etc. (As a side note, it was also my roommate's birthday). So after they gave me every drug they could possibly try and my back still hurt they ending up running a blood test and doing a CT scan. That's when they discovered the tumor. At 1am the ER doc came in my room and handed me a 20-page pamphlet on the cancer center in the city. It's one of the best in the US. I looked at my roommate and we just cried.
So if you are asking yourself why am I so surprised on in shock when I found this out a month ago? Well after being admitted into the hospital the pulmonologist (Dr. R) decided he had never seen a case like this before and there was NO WAY it could be lung cancer. So after I was released from the hospital I went to see another doctor in a different state (Dr. A), and after comparing my CT scans to a lung x-ray taken 3 months earlier he said he was 99% confident this was not lung cancer and there was no need to worry. He recommended I get another CT scan in 3 months to track its progress. So by this point I was feeling pretty good.
A week after I met with Dr. A he called me. He told me he present my case to a board of tumor doctors who realized they were looking at my x-ray in the wrong format and in fact it did show the tumor that my most recent CT scan showed. Whoops. He recommended I get to a new doctor immediately and have a biopsy. He helped me find a doctor close to where I am now and she ordered a PET scan because it was less invasive than a biopsy and if it came back negative then there would be no reason for it to be biopsied. (If you are not familiar with a PET scan, basically it requires you to fast for 6 hours and not consume carbs for 12 hours. Then you are injected with glucose and radiation. The cells in your body will start to metabolize the glucose and as they do that the radiation will remain in the cell and will show up on the scan. You have to sit in a dim room for about 40 minutes without moving in order to prevent cells from needing the energy. Consequently, your bladder, heart, brain and any tumor that is alive and growing will be the only things metabolizing the glucose because you do not have to be active for that to happen.)
So the results from the PET scan came back positive. Shit. Now I have a biopsy on Tuesday to confirm and then more than likely surgery. Awesome. It's so frustrating because I just don't know how to feel. I know I'll make it through this and I refuse to let this impact my life any more than it has to. But I am not finding a lot of comfort in that. I also don't really want to talk to anyone about it because there isn't a lot they can say. So hopefully writing a blog about it and hoping someone reads it will be my saving grace. Maybe there is someone else out there going through this and they will find comfort they are not alone.
I guess a good way to start this post is by telling you what happened. On Tuesday of this week I was told a malignant tumor is alive and growing inside of my right lung- by definition it is cancer then. Wow. What. Really? I have never smoked except for maybe 3 or 4 cigarettes during my rebellious adolescent period. What about the people that smoke a pack a day or week or even in a lifetime? What do I say to people? What do people say to me? Fuck. That's how I feel.
But I should feel lucky. I say this because the only reason this tumor was discovered is because I went to the hospital with terrible back pain exactly a month ago today. I was in so much pain it hurt to breath, move, talk, etc. (As a side note, it was also my roommate's birthday). So after they gave me every drug they could possibly try and my back still hurt they ending up running a blood test and doing a CT scan. That's when they discovered the tumor. At 1am the ER doc came in my room and handed me a 20-page pamphlet on the cancer center in the city. It's one of the best in the US. I looked at my roommate and we just cried.
So if you are asking yourself why am I so surprised on in shock when I found this out a month ago? Well after being admitted into the hospital the pulmonologist (Dr. R) decided he had never seen a case like this before and there was NO WAY it could be lung cancer. So after I was released from the hospital I went to see another doctor in a different state (Dr. A), and after comparing my CT scans to a lung x-ray taken 3 months earlier he said he was 99% confident this was not lung cancer and there was no need to worry. He recommended I get another CT scan in 3 months to track its progress. So by this point I was feeling pretty good.
A week after I met with Dr. A he called me. He told me he present my case to a board of tumor doctors who realized they were looking at my x-ray in the wrong format and in fact it did show the tumor that my most recent CT scan showed. Whoops. He recommended I get to a new doctor immediately and have a biopsy. He helped me find a doctor close to where I am now and she ordered a PET scan because it was less invasive than a biopsy and if it came back negative then there would be no reason for it to be biopsied. (If you are not familiar with a PET scan, basically it requires you to fast for 6 hours and not consume carbs for 12 hours. Then you are injected with glucose and radiation. The cells in your body will start to metabolize the glucose and as they do that the radiation will remain in the cell and will show up on the scan. You have to sit in a dim room for about 40 minutes without moving in order to prevent cells from needing the energy. Consequently, your bladder, heart, brain and any tumor that is alive and growing will be the only things metabolizing the glucose because you do not have to be active for that to happen.)
So the results from the PET scan came back positive. Shit. Now I have a biopsy on Tuesday to confirm and then more than likely surgery. Awesome. It's so frustrating because I just don't know how to feel. I know I'll make it through this and I refuse to let this impact my life any more than it has to. But I am not finding a lot of comfort in that. I also don't really want to talk to anyone about it because there isn't a lot they can say. So hopefully writing a blog about it and hoping someone reads it will be my saving grace. Maybe there is someone else out there going through this and they will find comfort they are not alone.
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