Better Version of Me

Consumed by thoughts of being skinner, prettier, healthier ... just better. I feel like every time I look into a mirror it's a quiz to see how many things are wrong with myself before I have to look away. Today it was my hair, cheeks, eye brows, bulge above my waist line - all before I blinked. 

I can't seem to let go of this idea, that if I was just better, I would like myself. If I could just lose the weight, or more importantly fit into that shrink wrapped bag of skinny jeans, where the label might just as well read "hopeful." If I was smarter with my money and didn't spend so much on going out and starting investing. Why did I rack up all of this debt? Why haven't I paid off my car yet? 

The self-destructive thoughts never stop. 

As I drive to work... I should listen to something so less girly. How did I already forget the words to that song? I bet if I learned all of the words to this song I could impress people if I ever have the opportunity to show it off when I'm out. 

Catch a glimpse of my hair and/or face in the rearview mirror. Game. Over. 

Why is my hair so frizzy today? Why can't my hair have more volume? Why is my hair doing whatever it wants?! If my hair was just longer and prettier I bet more guys would notice me. Is that a zit on my forehead? I should have put on more make-up.

BREAK!!! 

I am not sure what is worse; texting and driving or trying to point out all of my flaws in the 20 minute drive to work.  

The worst part is when I start to think about guys. I have this inherent feeling that if I was thinner, particularly so my waist line matched up perfectly with my hips, a guy would truly like me. It's almost as if I don't deserve a guy until I can control my eating and workout habits so I can be the way I imagine. The way I used to be. Wear a size 4 without an issue. Hell I am only in a size 6 right now, and while some of my jeans are an 8 - I feel like if I ever get bigger than what I am now, I should probably just jump out a window. 

When I am out in a crowd, doesn't matter where, I can ALWAYS spot a guy. He is usually wrapped around some girl who fits so comfortably inside his arms he can still flail them around when he speaks. If I was with him, he'd probably be lucky to just get them around me. Eh, that's not true. I am not that fat. Just more fat than I should be. If I just had more control and could eat right and make my workouts at the gym more effective, I could totally be that girl. 

It's so exhausting and I do not how to stop. Love myself. Love yourself. That's an interesting concept. Love what? What can change... How is it possible to love myself as I am if there are so many things I want to change? 

I'll love myself when I am a better version of me. 

What a truly, sad thought. Sad thoughts, really. I can see the logic behind my madness and none of it makes sense. I have to find a way to love myself. To connect with myself, otherwise every day is going to be this miserable. I just feel like with every corner I turn there's a skinny model, or a gorgeous girl - just someone better than me. How am I ever going to find someone to love me, if there is always someone better?