To Give You Hope

"There are as many nights as days, and one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness." -Carl Jung

 So many times in our lives we hit a point where we go, "WTF" and cry our eyes out. I know I am only 22, but hear me out. I've watched my grandmothers, mother, friends, younger siblings and myself just ball because of how terrible someone has hurt us. I'm not just saying in a relationship either. What we have to remember is, We can only rise as far as we fall.

While I have a fantastic relationship with my parents now, things were not always so easy when I was growing up, especially in high school. The words of my mother when I was 16 still haunt me. She said, "I wish I would have had an abortion when I had the chance." (side note, I am sure I said something as equally cruel to her and neither of us were in mentally healthy places as we are now). But aside from intent and actuality, we have reality. The reality of the situation to me was- I am my mother's biggest mistake. My heart tore, the dams in my eyes broke and I took off running until the boy I was dating picked me up a mile from my house. It's difficult explaining an emotion you don't fully understand. I had no idea my heart could hurt on that kind of level. It was a new dimension, unimaginable let alone indescribable. The person whom I looked up to the most and had to be greatful for the life I lead didn't want me. I knew my biological father didn't want me. But at least he gave me up before he knew me. She knew me... but at that time she wished she didn't. My father (her husband now who adopted me at age 7) had a similar argument right after I turned 18. I apologize for not being able to share it, because I have spent the last 4 years attempting to block it out of my mind. So family wise, in my mind the two people in my life who hadn't disappointed me and who always made me feel wanted were my grandparents. My grandfather moved me to college after my parents kicked me out. They paid for me to live my junior year when I had no financial means to get a loan. But they too left me hanging high and dry when they scheduled a vacation the day of my college graduation. I reminded them every time I saw them for at least 8 months before the date. I even explained to them how important it was they were there to me. Notta.

I have been hurt by relationships too. When I was a senior in high school I was absolutely infatuated with a boy who made me think nothing could ever go wrong. I was trusting and endearing and naive... he was a year older than I and he cheated on me with his college dorm resident assistant. He described to me as, "doing it like rabbits." What's worse is I even took him back. Oh how hind sight is 20-20. Don't worry though, end the end I left him. Then there was the last guy who, long story short, learned everything about me in a very short period of time and actually had the nerve to use it against me. You don't do that. When someone confides in you and shares a piece of themselves with you that does not mean you own that piece. That means you are privileged enough to learn something so deep about them, by no means is it a right to bring it up as you please. At one his words to me were, "You'll never find anyone. No one could ever love you." Even though he is a psychopath, those words hurt. It's the gut wrenching, end all conversation moments where you feel like the world stops and you start spinning.

I am by no means writing this to ask for you sympathy. I am writing in hopes I will give you something to relate to. I am writing because I want to give you hope. They say all things happen for a reason. I don't know who "they" are, but I have never believed it more than I do right now.

I have found my reason why.

There is a disclaimer. I believe you have to first be able to make yourself happy before you can be happy with someone in a relationship. Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstance. Once you can make peace with the wrong in your life and look for the good, for no other reason than it makes you feel good- then you can attempt a relationship.

That is exactly what I did. I decided I always wanted to move away from Michigan and live in a city. I knew a good friend who had an extra bedroom so I gave her a call and moved to Pittsburgh less than a month later. She helped me get a job. What I didn't realize is the man who stole my breath away my fourth day on the job, would also be the man to steal my heart away.

Don't get me wrong, this relationship terrifies me to pieces. But that's what being vulnerable is about. You never get anywhere unless you take a chance. Especially after this 3-month cancer scare and lung surgery, when he had every chance to say, "See ya later." We've been apart 2-weeks now, which is a very minuscule amount of time, but I can't explain how long it feels. I think it has brought us together more than being together could have though. When you miss someone and see the holes in your daily life from where you want them to be, it's irrevocably love. I have never felt this kind of love. I have always cared for the people I have been in relationships with and up until this point I thought I really did love them. I can see now, I did love them... just not like this. Just as my mother introduced into a horribly other dimension of hate and sadness, my boyfriend has introduced in a level of love and happiness. The worst part is I don't know how to deal with it. I can deal with someone saying something hurtful to me so much easier than I can deal with him saying a sincere comment like, "It upsets me so much other people in your life have hurt you."

I thought some poor old bastard made up the phrase, "you complete me." I have spent a lot of time mocking it. Well shit, guess I have my foot in my mouth. My weaknesses are his strengths. When I am unable to be myself he steps in and helps me without me having to ask. He listens, he tries to understand (try being the operative word sometimes, haha), he appreciates me in my entirety, he wants me... nothing more, nothing less, just me. I feel more loved, more cared about, more appreciated and more secure now than at any other point in my life I can remember. I can say honestly I am more than greatful for the obstacles I have had to overcome in my life because I would not be able to appreciate who he is and how he makes me feel if I hadn't gone through them.

I'm not saying you have to believe me about all of this, because I know you will experience it in your own time. Once you do, you can send me a "you were right" note and that will suffice. All I want is for people to remain optimistic and believe in themselves.

You can only receive what deem yourself as worthy of receiving.

You only get one life, so believe you deserve everything in the way of happiness and that you are above settling for anything less. There will be hard days, no doubt, but just like a thunderstorm it will pass and there will be rays of sunlight to follow. However, there will only be a rainbow if you believe you are lucky enough to see it. So if you've seen a rainbow, than you in fact are lucky and deserve the best.